“Communication is critical to a healthy
relationship.”
We’ve all heard it… and we all know how important
it is to be able to dialogue with the one we love, but what about acting with
compassion?
In relationships, compassion can sometimes take a back seat. Our lives are busy. During arguments it is often times easy to put blinders on and fail to see things from your partner's point of view. To truly be compassionate to your partner, it’s
the ability to recognize when our partner is suffering in any sort of a way –
and to be loving and kind to them in return.
There’s no one way to show compassion. In fact,
when I started thinking about it, there are plenty:
1. Give
your undivided attention.
Have you ever sat in front of your partner and spent
more time thinking of how you’ll formulate a response to what they’re saying
rather than actually listening to them? When you’re actively listening to someone
with genuine attention, you’re more likely to understand them. So put down your
phone and listen. After all, we all just want to feel like we are being heard.
2. Show affection
Whether
you’re “touchy-feely” or not - everyone requires some level of affection.
Affection comes in many forms - a sweet smile, picking up their favorite treat
at the store, a gentle kiss on the forehead, big hugs, sex… you name it! Affection
can also be expressed through encouraging words and unexpected compliments. Let
your partner never go a day without knowing how much they are loved and
appreciated.
3. Be kind with your words.
Sometimes
it's not what we say but how we say it. Sometimes in moments of
stress, it’s easy to skip the step of thinking about what our partner needs to
hear. Sometimes all they need from us gentle understanding and support. Need an
example? Yesterday I picked up my boyfriend from his office for lunch. On the
drive home, I got a speeding ticket. When I called to tell him, we both began
apologizing. WHY was he apologizing? Well, according to him, he should’ve
warned me that road had a lot of cops pulling folks over. He apologized that I
got the ticket driving home from dropping him off. I apologized for speeding in
his car. I said it was my fault for speeding and not taking note of the limit. Our
conversation could have easily turned accusatory – why were you speeding, you
can’t drive my car anymore, this wouldn’t have happened if I weren’t driving
home from lunch… you catch my drift. But nope. Reason one million and one why
my partner and I (in my humble opinion!) work so well together. We try to be as
kind as possible, whenever possible. It’s a funny thing when you begin to put
the one you love above yourself. If each of you operate that way, you both come
out on top.
4. Appreciate
Each
of us has an innate need to feel valued and appreciated, especially by those we
love. What a great feeling it is when your partner shows their sincere
appreciation for the smallest of things. Expressing a high level of emotional
intelligence allows couples to become intimately familiar with each other’s
world and consider the qualities and characteristics that we genuinely
appreciate. It can be something as small as a home cooked meal, buying your
favorite bar of soap for the shower, or booking the middle seat just so the two
of you won’t get split up on a flight somewhere together. All gestures – small or
grand – deserve appreciation. Say thank you. Give kisses. Write a romantic card
for no reason. Never stop showing the one you love how grateful you are for
them and all they do to ensure your happiness.
5. Nurture
Your Friendship
Nearly
all successful relationships are based on a solid friendship, due in part to a
mutual respect for and an enjoyment of each other’s company. Partners who have
a strong friendship don’t just get along, they genuinely admire and support
each other. Relationships based solely on sex and passion are fine for the short
term, but if you’re looking for a love to withstand a lifetime, you need a
solid friendship. There will be days when you’re not feeling so sexy, days when
you’re sick with the flu and sweating out a 102 fever. There will be times when
you accidentally let one slip in the middle of the night and times when your
beloved skinny jeans feel a bit snug. So don’t forget to be playful, have fun
with each other and above all else – be each other’s best friends.
6.
Accept your partner for who they are today
Let’s
face it. We all want to feel accepted. Sure – if all things are going
completely splendidly it’s easy to accept your significant other. But what if
things aren’t going according to plan? What if they recently got laid off? What
if their six pack has disappeared? What if they had a bad day and feel badly
about themselves, leaving them incapable of expressing their love and gratitude
to you the way you would’ve hoped? My point is, it’s easy to show acceptance
and love when things are great (i.e.: when you see these couples “falling in
love” on the Bachelor – a false reality where they are eating and drinking to
their hearts content, not worrying about work or paying bills or complexities
of the outside world for 8 solid weeks) – but the real challenge lies in
accepting the not-so-desirable qualities our partners may exude. Accepting
those we love for who they are – not for who we hope they will become – is love
and compassion in its truest form.
7. Let
your partner be themselves
“You
must love in a way that your partner feels free.” I’ve said this before and
honestly never fully grasped the concept until my current relationship. In the
past, due in part to insecurity and/or immaturity, I never knew how to love
freely. Yet now, I am completely and whole heartedly aware that if I want my
partner to love me with his whole heart, I have to foster an environment where
he can be vulnerable and share himself fully. Letting your partner know how
much you love them, and how you always will – with no judgment toward anything
they may think or feel – allows them to be their true, authentic self. Why not
tell your partner the ways in which you appreciate and accept them? My man
wants to go golf with friends? Go! He wants to stay for lunch and a few beers? Do
it! Love with all your heart and let your partner CHOOSE you.
It’s
not always easy to love compassionately. It requires patience, emotional
intelligence and self-awareness. None of us are perfect – if we look for things
to criticize in our significant other, I’m sure we can all find them. The key
is to catch ourselves BEFORE we begin to criticize or get irritated. In those
moments, bring yourself back to all of the positive attributes of your partner/relationship.
If you both operate from a place of compassion and kindness, your relationship will come out
on top.
XO,
Jenn
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