The Transformations We Cannot See

#TransformationTuesday #fitspo #progress

Show of virtual hands {honor system here, clearly I can't see you!} - how many of you have seen those hashtags on social media? Usually accompanying them are photos of someone {likely in their underwear} posting a side by side comparison of their “before” and after bodies. The before I started some diet, some detox tea, some competition prep, or some {enter magical solution here}.

As someone who wholeheartedly believes in the importance of living a fit, balanced and active life I am all for someone’s commitment to getting healthier and becoming more active. But I can’t help but wonder since when did we begin placing such a disproportionate emphasis on the physical transformation while completely disregarding the blood, sweat and tears that goes into {or SHOULD go into} our emotional and mental transformations?

After seeing yet another girl posting side by side comparisons of her near-naked body along with a caption detailing how she's still struggling to appreciate what she sees in the mirror, it got me wondering...

What if we trained our minds the way we train our bodies?

I recently began attending a weekly meditation course with girlfriends and I've thoroughly enjoyed listening to wonderful nuggets of wisdom. Personally speaking, I feel the last 5 years have been a remarkable transformation for me - inside and out. And while I do my best to take pause and appreciate how far I've come, I never want to settle for "almost there." This course has imparted tons of knowledge, but the top two pieces of wisdom I've been anxious to share with you all are as follows:

1) Happiness comes from within - and the inverse is true as well. Unhappiness also comes from within. Think about it - the promotion you don't get, the coworker who seems to always be making your life unnecessarily difficult - none of them can make you unhappy. It's how you perceive those situations that impact your happiness (or lack thereof).

2) Don't run from difficult people. Listen, I get it. We all have people in our lives who bring us down. They're negative and complain the entire time you're with them. The weather sucks, the election is a mess, their jobs stink, their relationship is falling apart. Instead of rolling your eyes and staring at the clock wondering when its time to spring the door, allow their negativity to teach you a lesson in compassion and tolerance.

So the next time work is grating on your nerves and you're thinking "WHY me?" or you're sitting across the dinner table from a friend who just drones on and on about how awful everything is, I hope you take a moment to determine what the current moment is trying to teach you. What can you learn from less than ideal situations? Every moment is brought to us as a lesson. It's simply our responsibility to learn from it.

XO,
Jenn

Friendships Are Worth Fighting For

Isn't it amazing how much friendships change as we get older? After I graduated high school and moved across the country to attend Arizona State, I fell out of touch with a lot of friends. And after graduating college and moving back to the East Coast (UP and DOWN the East Coast, actually), I also fell out of touch with friends. Our 20s are weird. We're all searching. Searching our souls, searching for jobs, searching for life partners. We're trying to develop our careers and become comfortable in our own skin. 

Personally speaking, my 20s were pure chaos. I moved from Arizona to Florida, New York and Atlanta. I started climbing that corporate ladder and gained exposure in various industries. I became a doggy mommy and bought two houses. I got married and divorced. I made great, new friendships and walked away from a few that weighed me down.

One thing I've realized is true friendships become increasingly more painful to walk away from as we get older. In my 20s, I'd be able to sever ties with a friend for any excuse I deemed valid: We’ve grown apart! She’s so condescending! I’m the only one putting in effort! 

Friendship can often be selfish in that way—as soon as we’re not getting what we want out of it, we can call it quits and simply walk away. 

I have been the friend who leaves and I have been the friend who is left. 

A few years ago, I developed a strong friendship with a girl I met through Crossfit. Shortly after forging our friendship she and her boyfriend (who I also met through our gym) became engaged. I rejoiced in their engagement. I threw her bridal shower, planned her bachelorette party in Savannah, took the day off work to witness them get married at the courthouse before traveling to Mexico to stand in her wedding as a bridesmaid. We supported each other during the hard times, too. We shared plenty of bottles of wine as I droned on and on about my dating woes, as she cried about the challenges of becoming a step mom to two grown children and the complexities of dealing with her future husband's ex wife and the nonsense that came along with it. We both work as Marketing Directors and would frequently bounce ideas off one another. We talked daily and loved working out together.  

Our breakup wasn't a sudden hit to the head. After I felt the chasm between us develop and continue to grow, I reached out to understand why she was avoiding me.

The text I received from her basically stated that we're in different places in our lives - she was recently married and in the process of trying to conceive, and I was single training for my fitness competition - and she just didn't think we could relate to each other any longer.

I took days to respond. Her words (even via text) cut so deep. I tried to understand, I tried to reason,  but I couldn't. I responded telling her that we may be in different chapters in the book of life, but we're the same women. At least I was. So what if I was single? So what if I was eating out of tupperware in restaurants and not drinking? So what! Friends - true ones - are like family. We stand by each other, love each other, and support each other through all of lifes ups and downs. 

And just like that. Years and years of friendship, gone.

I was crushed. How could she give up on our friendship so easily?

It makes me wonder... what if we took an approach to friendships similar to that of a marriage? What if we vowed to love our friends for better and for worse? 

What if we promised our close friends that no argument or simple misunderstanding would rip us apart, letting us crush years of loving memories with the swift click of a text message. 

It's no secret. We're all human. We all mess up. But what if we honor our friendships with the comfort that even when we fuck up, even when we say things we don't mean or mean things we fail to say, that with grace and forgiveness we will move forward together?

What if we stopped giving up on friendship so easily and vowed to fight for those we love?

Let's be clear. I'm fully aware there is a place and time for letting go of toxic relationships. But once you get to the point in your life when you’ve found your inner circle, your people, the ones who visit you in the hospital after giving birth and bring you a cookie when you’re having a shitty day and let you cry over the phone about the hard things, isn’t that worth fighting for?

If you ask me, it sure is. 

Let Go of the Oars

Let go of the oars. 

The quote originates from New York Times best-selling author Esther Hicks and for those of you who haven’t heard of her, Hicks’ teachings were the original inspiration for “The Secret” and she’s noted as contributing to a global paradigm shift in consciousness.

Have you ever thought that perhaps everything you want is downstream, not upstream like we assume it to be? In America, particularly those of us working in Corporate America, we are programmed to work hard and rest less. When the going gets tough and life fails to live up to our expectations, we paddle harder and faster. We assume if we try harder, everything will be resolved and our goals can be achieved.

Here’s why I struggle with this philosophy. Life isn’t meant to be hard. We shouldn’t have to constantly be struggling. I like to believe that while it’s never perfect, life is intended to be calm and enjoyable. I wonder – what if we let go of the oars?

Once we do, the boat (our life) will likely turn itself around and allow the current to carry us downstream.

It has taken me years to comprehend the concept that sometimes we need to surrender, relinquish control and just let-go of our beliefs on when or how things should happen in life.

I can recall plenty of hard times when I found myself yelling (to no one in particular) WHY. Why me? Why is this happening? Why am I experiencing such pain. The greatest disappointments come when we cling stubbornly to the ideas of what our lives should look like.

These are the moments when it’s so important that we let go of the oars and let our boat take us downstream.

Stop fighting the current, stop exhausting yourself paddling upstream.

Let it go. Breathe. Have faith. There is a plan for you. Everything will be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

XO,

Jenn 

I Am Who I Am, Because You Were You

It's often you hear people say, "I'm working on who I am," but how often do you hear someone say "I'm working to understand WHY I am the way I am?"

With 32 years of life under my belt, I finally feel as though I have a good grasp on WHO I am. I'm a daughter to two wonderful human beings. I'm a giving and attentive girlfriend to a wonderful man. I'm a friend to some really freakin amazing women. I'm a mommy to the cutest fur baby in the entire world (though I may be biased!). I love the feeling of a workout that makes me want to pass out (maybe I'm a bit of a masochist as well?!). I'm career-minded and driven as hell. I've built walls thanks to some painful past experiences. Despite those times, I have a resilient and loving heart. I can be fiercely independent (sometimes out of necessity rather than choice) and I strive for greatness in all aspects of life. 

But the real question is - WHY am I the way I am?

I've given a lot of consideration to this lately. And I think I may know the answer. A little background...

Growing up, I was extremely close to my maternal Grandmother. Lillian - a spitfire redhead (whom my Grandfather so kindly nicknamed "Red" even though she hated it...), raised on the Lower East Side of Manhattan was quite possibly one of the most remarkable women I've ever know (tied with my own Mom, naturally). I truly could go on and on about all the reasons we all loved her so - but for the sake of brevity, I'll say that I believe a majority of why I am the way I am, is because of her. 

As I was approaching college graduation, my Grandma (Grammy as I loved to call her) asked me what I wanted. Most of my friends were asking for money, new cars, wardrobes for their new careers, a place to live if said career didn't pan out... but not me. 

I asked for letters.

"Write me letters, Grammy."

"About what, Madela?"

"Everything. Write to me about growing up. Write to me about your love story with Poppy. Write to me about how you felt when Mommy was born. When I was born. Write to me about how it felt to lose Poppy after more than 50 years. Just write to me."

And write, she did. 

It was just this week that I decided to take down my memory box I store all things of sentimental value - and pulled out the one and only letter my Grammy wrote to me. 

After reading it, I have no doubts about WHY I am the way I am. I am me, because she was she. 

"My little Jenny asked me to write. So here I shall. 

Born in the early 1900's on the Lower East Side in Manhattan, NY. My parents were immigrants, my mother came from Russia and my father came from Lithuania. I remember living in a tenement house where the toilet was in the hall. We had electricity but we also had a coal stove to cook on.

My father died when I was very young, 12 years of age and my mother though she had no skills did not go to work, as she was not a citizen of the USA and could not read, so she depended on her brothers to support her.

We moved to Brooklyn when I was 13 years old and decided then that I was going to excel in my schoolwork. My favorite subject was math and then I decided to become a bookkeeper. I married young, but because of Pearl Harbor my husband was drafted into The Army. I took a position working at the NY Port of Embarkation for the US Army. 

After the war and having 3 children to raise, I decided to make something of myself. When my youngest was 12 I went back to work and together with my husband we started saving money and built up our nest egg. I believed working was good for ones mind and self respect.

My motto is to be accomplished even in old age. Keep the mind going, don't become lackadaisical. Give a good appearance of one's self, be friendly and make a living based upon accomplishments. At present, though I am in my late 70s, I am still active as Editor and Vice President of my temple's newsletter. I am respected, acknowledged by the congregants and am happy that in my latter years, I keep myself active and enjoy my family and friends. I am a grandmother of 7 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren." 

 I hope reading this inspires you to find out why you are the way you are, and I hope your journey is also full of love and wonderful memories.

XO,
Jenn

A Girls Trip to Austin, Bathroom Reno and Life Lately

Is it really mid-April already? WHERE is the year going??

I recently returned from a girls weekend to Austin - that city has been on my list for awhile and I'm so thrilled I finally made it! So speaking of trips with friends... HOW much of a buzzkill is it when you take a trip with friends and realize you're completely incompatible travel buddies?! Maybe you like to get up early and explore and your friends are night owls. Maybe you don't love being out all night drinking and they do. Whatever the differences are, I feel like it's rare to take a trip and just hit it off 24/7. Thankfully - this was one of those trips :) While I didn't get in any gym workouts, I did pack my resistance bands and do a mini-workout one morning while the girls got ready. I tried to go for a run, but after taking 5 steps out the front door it started to rain. Fine. Twist my arm into enjoying some tasty meals and a few libations. FINE! I was just SO grateful to be away for a few days, getting to know these ladies even better over tons of laughs, a few cocktails, and plenty of good eats.

Speaking of tasty meals - if you live in Austin or happen to find yourself there - do yourself a favor and check out Elizabeth' Street Cafe. Literally the BEST bahn mi I've ever had.  While not pictured, trust that it was amazing. Egg whites and mushrooms in a crusty baguette with diakon radish, carrots and topped with sambal (spicy chili sauce). The lump crab rice paper wraps pictures below were super delish. 

Another fun spot worth checking out is Cafe NoSe at the South Congress Hotel. While I realize it's not necessary for food to be "pretty" - let's just admire how beautiful that piece of lox and hardboiled egg toast is!! It had the perfect combo of salty (from the lox and a few capers) and sweet (check out that thinly sliced apple!). Such a neat spot for brunch (they made a mean Americano) with friends.

Lump crab rice paper wraps with yummy dipping sauces!

So pretty AND tasty!

While we're on the subject of food - I have been LOVING getting back into cooking. It's been fun testing out new, healthy recipes and not stressing because all I can eat is plain, flavorless food. Don't get me wrong - while I'm home I am still pretty cognizant about what I'm eating. I still measure everything to ensure my portions are on point and I still don't cook with any oils or butters - but I'm having FUN again. And after the roller coaster of comp prep and life after the show, it feels really nice.

Arugula, cherry tomatoes, quiona and soft-boiled egg!

Old-fashioned oats blended with egg whites!

I've been testing out tons of recipes and techniques (I've never tried poaching my own eggs for a protein packed salad topper and boy I'm glad I did!) and purchasing new "foods" (including the PB2 powder I mixed with water to top my oat/egg white pancake you see above). I've been loving tons of new finds thanks to the new Sprouts that opened near the house. That reminds me I'm long overdue for another "What's in my cart" post!

As if life hasn't been busy enough, I decided to renovate my master bath. Considering the house is from the 1970s, my bathroom is teeny tiny. Despite wishing it was larger, it has been fun picking out all of the finishes and re-conceptualizing the space- including a dark tile floor that happens to look like wood, black pebble for the shower floor (HELLO free foot massage!) and a beautiful marble herringbone for the shower walls.

From this....

BYE BYE Bathtub!

New shower! Note: manly hand is in fact my contractors - not mine :)

Herringbone shower in the making!

I'm super excited to see how the bathroom turns out. Last fall I renovated the rest of the house,  but funds ran low - so this project has been awhile in the making. I'll be sure to post some new progress pics as things come along. My new vanity should be arriving soon, bead board will be going up, and some new chrome fixtures will be installed in the next week or so!

And since this post seems to be photo bonanza, why not include a recent shot - Just me. Having fun whipping up tasty and healthy meals, hitting 5 intense workouts a week, and working to enjoy the little moments in life a bit more and worry about the future a little less :)

Happy Monday - hope yours was productive and eventful, too!

XO,
Jenn

32 Life Lessons in 32 Years

Well, it’s almost that time! I cannot believe my 32^nd birthday is around the corner. Where does the time go? Considering the next few weeks will be jam packed with travel, I decided to sit down and give some thought to life lessons I’ve learned so far in my {nearly} 32 years. I posted something similar last year – if you haven’t read it yet, check it out! As always, I'd love to hear from you. Any words of wisdom you've learned in your life thus far? Let's hear it!

On Life:

1.    Whenever possible, choose kindness.

2.    Do more of what scares the shit out of you.

3.    Worrying is like praying for something you don’t want to happen. Have faith and be patient.

4.    Stop playing the victim to the circumstances of your life. You have the ability to shape the life you want – so if you don’t like where you are, do something about it.

5.    The only constant in life is change. Get good at change.

6.    Live simply. Unsubscribe from junk promotional emails. Donate the clothes you haven’t worn since college. Stop collecting things simply to have them.

7.    If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.

8.    Don’t allow yourself to stumble on something already behind you.

9.    If you want something, but are overwhelmed with how long it’ll take to accomplish it – GO FOR IT. The time will pass anyway.

10. Be proud of your life. If you’re not, be courageous enough to change it.

11. Practice forgiveness. To yourself and to others. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you need to keep them in your life – but forgiveness is one of the fastest ways to inner peace.

12. The way people treat you usually speaks more to who they are then who you are.

13. There is never a “right time” and there is no sense in waiting until you’re ready. You want something? Go after it with all you have.

14. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

15. Never underestimate the power of a hand-written thank you note.

16. Abandon destination-addiction. Stop wishing for the future and start embracing today.

On Self-Love/Self-Awareness:

1.    Forgive yourself as easily as you’d forgive others.

2.    No one can “make you happy.” That’s an inside job.

3.    Invest in timeless fashions. Quality over quantity always.

4.    Believe you can do it and others will believe it, too.

5.    Get good at saying no. Martha Beck said “When it comes to saying yes or no to something or someone, choose the answer that feels like freedom." If it feels like a burden, just say no.

6.    Pretending everything is perfect does not, in fact, make everything perfect.

7.    Focus on your strengths while nurturing your weaknesses.

8.    Take pride in your appearance, but realize that NO amount of physical beauty will be as valuable as a beautiful heart.

9.    The only way to let love in is to be vulnerable. Let down your walls so love can flow freely.

10. Speak your truth – even if your voice shakes.

11. Being OPEN is just as important as being honest.

12. You can be the juiciest peach in the whole world. And there will always be someone who doesn’t care for peaches.

13. Learn to cook wholesome, healthy meals. Eat the rainbow. Savor your food.

14. Start a gratitude journal. Begin and end every day with a grateful heart.

15. Whether it’s strength training, yoga, running… find a workout regimen you love and make it a part of your daily routine.

16. Trust the timing of your life.

XO,

Jenn

3 Things My Long Distance Relationship Has Taught Me

It all began back in October 2015 at a friend's wedding

"How's dating going?" My friend Ryan asked.

My response? "It sucks!"

After Ryan inquired further, I responded with "If you happen to know a normal guy who loves to work out, likes to travel, isn't an ass and wants to settle down with the right person one day, let me know."

Turns out that guy was in front of my face for years. He just lived on the other side of the country.

From the very next day, so began a relationship I never imagined with a man I never dreamt possible. I'll save you the mushy gushy rant about how amazing he is - but really though... #swoon

Only downside is we happen to live on opposite ends of the country. A 3 hour time difference and 5 hour flight are all that separate us. No big, right?! Well, sarcasm aside - this relationship may not be logistically convenient but I'd rather do temporary long-distance with him than a geographically convenient relationship with anyone else.

Here's what I've learned ever since embarking on my first long distance relationship:

1) Have honest dialogue. For someone who has worked in Journalism and corporate communications for her entire professional career, it took this relationship to make me realize what a crap job I did of communicating in relationships. We all carry wounds from our past which may cause us to throw up unnecessary walls and shut out communication once it gets "hard." I thank my lucky stars that I have finally met a man who has an unbelievable ability to communicate - and make me feel safe enough to do so myself. When you're dating someone whose night is always just beginning when you're headed to bed and who you only get to see once a month, it's easy to get hit with a serious case of FOMO (fear of missing out!). It's easy in this digital age to rely on text messages as a sufficient way of communicating, but it's simply not enough when you're trying to build a meaningful relationship. Call when you say you're going to. Use FaceTime to make you both feel like your daily lives are intertwined. With that said, I've learned that when you love someone - when you TRULY love someone - you do so in a way in which they feel free. If my boyfriend wants to lay around on a Sunday afternoon in silence or spend a Saturday golfing with his friends, I respect that. And he does the same for me. Talking through serious topics - including a vision of what your future looks like (i.e.: distance is temporary and you both will do what it takes to close the physical gap in order to begin living life together!) ensures you're both on the same page going in. There are plenty of nights when I lay in bed and remind myself that one day instead of saying goodbye, we'll simply be saying goodnight :)

2) Make time for the ordinary. After doing this long-distance thang since October, the thing I get most excited for when I know we'll see each other again is the mundane. I crave falling asleep next to him, waking up and seeing his sleepy face next to mine. I get butterflies thinking about ordering in dinner, opening a bottle of wine and binge-watching tv shows. Don't get me wrong - checking out great restaurants around our respective cities is a blast. As is spending time with our wonderful friends & family. So is taking day trips, planning vacations together and fantasizing about what the future holds. But when I close my eyes and think about what I cannot wait to do once we're together again, it's always about simply being next to one another. Nearly any couple could have fun if all they lived for were glamorous weekend getaways and a constant state of excitement. I'm not saying the honeymoon phase is anywhere near over, but standing in the bathroom putting on face masks together and making breakfast on sleepy Sunday mornings now makes my heart feel home.

3) Always know when you're going to see each other again. The only thing worse than leaving each other is not knowing when you'll see each other again. For this reason, I think it's critical to never leave without having your next trip planned. This may be challenging if one of you is not a planner by nature but knowing when you'll see each other again gives peace of mind and makes the time apart slightly more tolerable. Even the strongest people will have insecurities creep in after too much time apart. Whether it's a quick weekend together, a month of quality time or a vacation somewhere you've never been - having that date circled on your calendar and an "end date" to the distance is key.

At the end of the day, all I want is to find someone who is there for me when things are wonderful, terrible - and every day in between. Someone who makes my heart happy and makes me laugh harder than ever before. Someone who is proud to have me and challenges me to be a better woman. Someone to support me when I really need it and listens to all my zany ideas. Someone who is willing to put my needs before their own. And most importantly, someone I love enough to do the same in return. And if that means racking up some Delta SkyMiles in the process, so be it.

And above all else, don't forget to maintain a sense of humor and perspective. You have someone you love, who loves you! Life is good :)

What about you? Have you ever done long distance? I'd love to hear!

XO,
Jenn

5 Ways to Create a Life You Love

1.       Consciously create your life. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone says “You’ll never believe what so and so did to me” or “You’re so lucky, Jenn!” Um no. I’m not particularly lucky. I have the same 24 hours in my day. I don’t have things delivered to me on a silver platter. I work. I hustle. While I wholeheartedly recognize there are circumstances that arise in our lives beyond our control, but we ALWAYS have a choice in how we respond. We have the power to shape our day, our life, how we see fit. You don’t like where you are (physically/emotionally)? Move. You’re not a tree.

2.       Let life naturally evolve. While I certainly do believe we can manifest the life we want, I do think sometimes we have such an intense desire to want something SO badly that we ruin it before it even begins. We over-think. We imagine. We develop expectations. We worry. We doubt. As a self-confessed worry-wart, any time I feel myself worrying about any one particular topic, I remind myself that worrying is essentially like praying for what you DON’T want. Be patient. Good things take time.

3.       Choose to see the good. I don’t care how bad life feels today, there IS something good. Are you choosing to see it? Maybe work sucks. Maybe your relationship just ended. Shoot, maybe you just lost a loved one. It sucks. Your heart aches. I get it, trust me. But here is where things become critical. CHOOSE to challenge yourself in times of sadness to see at least ONE good thing surrounding you. A hug from a friend, a call from a loved one, snuggles from your pup. Whatever it is… there IS good. It’s up to you whether you consciously choose to recognize and appreciate it.

4.       Be kind to yourself. You ate too many cookies. You missed a deadline at work. You skipped the gym all weekend. I used to come down so incredibly hard on myself. I’d find myself in these negative spirals of self-talk saying things I would never dream of saying to a friend, sister, or daughter. Why shouldn’t we speak to ourselves how we’d speak to someone we love? Are we not deserving of second chances? Give yourself a break. We’re all trying our best in this crazy game called life.

5.       Stop waiting for the next best thing to bring you happiness. I’ve been very open about my struggle with “living in the moment” – it’s just never something that came naturally to me. I’m a planner. I’m driven. I have goals. I want to make shit happen. Here’s the thing, though. Sometimes the more we chase after something, the further away it becomes. The next big job, the next city to live in, the next partner to commit to…. Whatever your idea of what’s next is, forget it. Take a moment (literally, right now, take a moment) and look around at the life you’ve created for yourself. Realize that happiness is right here, right now. It’s not once you receive the promotion… it’s not once you fall in love… It’s not once you fit in a certain size pair of jeans... It’s not once you’re on vacation or once you’ve moved into a bigger, newer house. It’s in this moment. So appreciate it – because once you appreciate the smaller, seemingly little moments… you’ll realize those were in fact the big ones. 

My First NPC Bikini Competition Recap!

I did it! On 10/31 I competed in my first NPC Bikini Fitness Competition at the Lee Haney Games here in Atlanta, GA. I competed in Bikini A Novice – for women under 35 years old, under 5’4 and placed in the top 5!

What an emotional experience prepping for my first competition has been. There were days I loved the process – there is something so empowering as a woman to uncover this raw inner strength we never knew resided within us. Then, as it got closer to my show date and I began the “cutting phase” of prep, there were days I struggled to get out of bed. Struggled to power through extreme fatigue and a brain fog I simply couldn’t shake. All in all, the experience was so rewarding, on so many levels.

• I made some wonderful friends. There’s something comforting when you experience this with someone who can relate. These girls know what it’s like to go to bed starving, wake up with a rumbling belly and forcing yourself into the gym for hours when all you want to do is take a nap. These girls were my listening ear, confidants, and partners in and out of the gym for the past 6 months. They’re simply awesome – and we’ve already begun making memories outside of the gym that I cherish.

• I uncovered willpower I never thought I had. Prior to this prep, I lived by mottos including: life is short, have dessert first! And treat yourself! You deserve it! I was awful about depriving myself. If I drove by Pinkberry on the way home and wanted it, I got it. If I was tired and felt like calling my lifting session short, or called it quits at mile 3 instead of pushing myself further, I stopped. This experience forced me to take this seriously. I knew I couldn’t “cheat” on the diet… I knew I couldn’t skip out on workouts. I was going to have to push myself. Push myself beyond every single limitation I ever placed on myself. There was going to be no “I can’t” or “I don’t want to.” I had to give it every single ounce I had. And I did. And it was fucking amazing. Now don’t get me wrong, eating chicken and cod and asparagus out of my microwave (I was living through a renovation the last month of prep) was not amazing. It was terrible. I cried. A lot. Dragging my exhausted ass to the gym for hours a day wasn’t fun towards the end. I had zero strength. Zero endurance. Deadlifts are some of my favorite moves – and I went from being able to pull 135lb for 10 reps no problem to struggling with 95lbs for one rep. Sometimes I felt so dizzy, other times my stomach grumbled so loudly I would troll Pinterest for hours… just looking at food I knew I couldn’t eat. But I realized just how strong I am. It’s mind over matter – and that transcends into various aspects of life beyond any fitness competition.
• My confidence skyrocketed. I’ve briefly discussed my past struggles on this blog, but I battled a serious eating disorder for 10+ years of my life. It was awful. I just never felt confident in my own skin. I compared myself to other girls, I stared at my reflection in the mirror wondering why I couldn’t have slender hips and chiseled abs. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy – the feeling you get as a woman when you’d do anything – including risking your own health – to feel better about yourself. Throughout prep, my confidence soared. Sure, the comments and glances from men were nice, but it was seeing myself transform that really motivated me. I saw my body tone and tighten, and I saw my strength and endurance increase. For the first time in my 31 years, I was proud of the reflection that stared back at me. I felt beautiful in my skin – and that is priceless. In fact, I had a friend of mine - who happens to be an exceptionally talented photographer - offer to take some pictures the day after my show... and I'm in love with each shot more than the next. She hasn't had a chance to work her photoshop magic on my splotchy spray tan, but here is a sneak peak at some of my favorite shots:

Now, as I’ve always said, it hasn’t been all unicorns shitting rainbows. It’s been hard. And there have definitely been quite a few “lows” throughout the past 6 months.

• I’ve isolated myself. I’ve declined invitations to bachelorette parties, vacations, dinners out, girl’s weekends, work trips and more. I’ve spent more Friday and Saturday nights alone on the couch than ever before. By the end of prep, I was so hungry and irritable, I stopped answering my phone and refused to return phone calls. I don’t like being a negative person and rather than project my grumpiness on anyone else, I abstained from communicating with the people I care about.
• I created a body that isn’t sustainable. I’ll admit it – I love being as lean as I was show day. But the fact of the matter is, it’s not sustainable. I have zero desire to live a life of deprivation. I want the margarita. I want the fro yo. But I also want the abs. Well friends, you can’t have it all. So now I’m going to have to live life and figure out how to balance it all.
• I’ve become shallow. It’s embarrassing to see how many of the pictures in my phone over the last 6 months are shirtless selfies. Every day I’d wake up, weigh myself and take a selfie to see my “progress.” What I want is a camera roll full of pictures of me and my loved ones, smiling, making once in a lifetime memories. So again, now I strive to live a life of balance – and stop putting my life on hold.

So, you must be reading this and wondering… “So Jenn, will you do it again?”

And the answer is probably. My goal over the next few months is to continue hitting the gym and building a bit of muscle in key areas including my delts, hamstrings and glutes. I’m going to indulge and let myself enjoy some treats I used to enjoy like frozen yogurt, petite filets, wine and margaritas but try and limit my indulgences so I can maintain some sort of lean physique over the holidays.

If I do another prep, I’d like it to be with a IIFYM approach. I did my last prep with a “clean eating” and “elimination diet” and I don’t think I would or could do it again. I don’t have the desire to eliminate complete food groups from my diet nor do I think it’s necessary. Plenty of people compete using an “If It Fits Your Macros” approach – meaning they track their macronutrients including calories, fat, protein and carbohydrates. And as long as they calories out exceed their calories in, they can eat any food groups they choose. Coming from someone who hasn’t had a banana in nearly 6 months, I’d say IIFYM sounds pretty damn good to me.

So there’s my recap, folks! I must say yet again – thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for all of your support and kind words throughout this whole journey. I’ve kept every note, every voicemail. I cherish my friends who came out and sat for 5 hours on show day waiting for me to come out and strut myself nearly naked for 5 minutes on stage.

My desire for balance transcends into every aspect of life, including this blog. I’m excited to resume writing about life, love and everything in between and sharing it all with you along the way.

XO,

Jenn

NPC Bikini Post-Competition Life: I'm Ready!

"What are you going to do after the competition?"

Hands down, this is the #1 question people ask me lately. I have precisely 3 days that stand between me and show day and to distract myself from the grumblings coming from my stomach, I have been doing a ton of thinking. Thinking about what i want once this competition prep - and competition itself - is over. I’ve contemplated what my new normal will look like. What will make me happy. What I truly want for my life. And here’s the truth. 

Competition prep has quite possibly been one of the most selfish things I’ve ever done. Now that’s not necessarily a terrible thing. It has gotten me in incredible shape, imparted a ton of knowledge as it relates to nutrition and overall well being. I’ve learned how to make better decisions as it relates to food, and I’ve learned to push myself in the weight room. Mostly i’ve come to the self-realization that i am a tough cookie. I set my mind to competing, and i’m doing it. It hasn’t been easy 99% of the time. I quit 100,000 times in my mind. But I somehow stuck it out. All of the nights out with friends, tupperware in tow. The vacations I abstained from, in fear of not having the right foods at my disposal. The short fuse, the impatience from being hangry, the self-inflicted isolation. Running on fumes and still showing up in the gym when I barely had enough energy to get out of bed. 

So yes, I’ve had lots of time to self-reflect and decide what I want once Saturday is behind me. And here’s what I’m ready for:

I’m ready to be a bit more selfless. I’m ready to be a more engaged friend. A daughter who calls more often. I’m ready to be more present in my career. I’m ready to workout for pleasure. Embrace my love of cooking. Entertain in my new home. I’m ready to resume traveling for pleasure. I’m ready to get out there and try all the awesome new restaurants that have opened in Atlanta since I’ve been on prep.  

And quite possibly the most significant, I’m ready to fall in love. Not just the love I have for friends and family. Beyond the love I have for myself. I’m ready for the put someone first, love with my whole heart, even when it’s scary and I’m vulnerable and feel like I’m standing naked in a crowd but it’s SO worth it love. 

I’ve spent the last 6 months being completely consumed with myself - and I’ve learned so very much. But truth be told, there is a whole life I want to live that has NOTHING to do with how visible my abs are. And to that life, all I can say is, "I am ready!"

NPC Bikini: 2 Weeks Out. Brain-Dead, Tired and Hangry

17 Days. I can do it. I can do iiiiiit. Can't I?! 

Mental State:

• Hunger. Intense feelings of hunger - aka HANGRY pains. I literally think about food 90% of the day. The other 10% I'm asleep.
• Doubt. Am I ready? Since this is my first show, I have no benchmark on how I should feel/look. Am I lean enough? Is my stomach flat enough? Are my glutes getting TOO flat? It's been a hard balance to strike - leaning out while keeping any size on me. I'm losing weight rapidly without really changing much - so I'm almost a bit nervous of coming out on stage looking flat... but I am trusting the process, my coach and my body. Whichever shape I bring out on stage is the shape I'm meant to have on show day. 
• Fog. Not like London Fog. MENTAL fog. I've gone grocery shopping without my wallet THREE times. I've missed calls at work. I constantly leave the house and realize I've forgotten something once I'm driving out of the neighborhood. I'm just completely OUT.OF.IT. 
• Grateful. I've worked SO hard since May for this body, and it's been great to me. Thank g-d I've had no injuries - I may be small, but I'm mighty! I'm also greatful for my friends, my coach, my teammates and everyone who has stuck by my side and given me words of encouragement when I wanted to cry, quit or both!
• Excitement. Thanks to my awesome teammates, I'm excited for show weekend!! As I've mentioned, hair, tan and makeup are all booked. Now it's fun thinking about lounging around with girlfriends and enjoying the event itself.  
• Guilt. I'm feeling guilty for having thoughts of pushing a small child out of my way for a brownie. Or a Quest Bar. Or a protein shake. Or anything OTHER than chicken, fish, green beans  or asparagus. 

Workouts:

• So.Over.Cardio. It's not even that I hate cardio (kinda do, but it's a necessary evil) - it's just that I'm so tired. It's hard for me to get motivated to power through sprints and stairmill circuits when all I want to do is nap! I've started taking High Volume by PEScience and love it. Totally helps give you a pump with zero caffeine. If only it would take away my cravings for food other than chicken and asparagus!
• Still powering through my lifting sessions. I actually got the chance to meet Lee Haney a few weeks ago at my coach's gym - what a nice guy!! He went up to Coach Steve and said "Hey Steve, is that one of your competitors? She looks beautiful." I had no idea who he was! Steve looked at me and said "You do realize that is Lee Haney himself, right?" Color me embarrassed. Here I was, bitching and moaning through 5 sets of pull-ups in front of a bodybuilding legend!

Nutrition:

• I'm trying my best, but hot damn I'm OVER this diet. Eating chicken or fish 7 times a day is just not fun folks. Especially when you factor in zero sodium. Actually, that's a lie. I've been using mustard or hot sauce - but those are gone 2 weeks out. So now it's plain 'ol protein. It's a constant internal battle between I'm so hungry and I hate the way this fish tastes.
• I want carbs. All the carbs. I've been trying to de-bloat my belly however possible and cutting starchy carbs was the first way. So now I'm eating 4oz of butternut squash with some cinnamon as my carb source for lunch & dinner. I'm still having my WHOPPING 1/4 cup old-fashioned oats in water for breakfast. I swear, I long for the mornings of oatmeal with almonds and a cut up banana. 
• Like I mention above, I'm trying to do whatever I can to get rid of any last belly bloat before the show. So a new nightly ritual of Dandelion tea and chugging lemon water are now part of my daily routine. 

Life Lately:

• I went to a friend's wedding over the weekend and rocked a new dress (which fit when I bought it 3 weeks ago but I had to have it taken in last minute!). I was proud of myself for having ZERO alcohol at the wedding, zero wedding cake (although I did try a bite of a french macaron - my all time fave), snacking on a Quest bar during cocktail hour and making good decisions on clean veggies and lean protein during the reception. It was NOT easy - but I made it happen. Mind over matter. . 

Late night abs: