I did it! On 10/31 I competed in my first NPC Bikini Fitness
Competition at the Lee Haney Games here in Atlanta, GA. I competed in Bikini A
Novice – for women under 35 years old, under 5’4 and placed in the top 5!
What an emotional experience prepping for my first competition
has been. There were days I loved the process – there is something so
empowering as a woman to uncover this raw inner strength we never knew resided
within us. Then, as it got closer to my show date and I began the “cutting
phase” of prep, there were days I struggled to get out of bed. Struggled to
power through extreme fatigue and a brain fog I simply couldn’t shake. All in
all, the experience was so rewarding, on so many levels.
- I made some wonderful friends. There’s something comforting
when you experience this with someone who can relate. These girls know what
it’s like to go to bed starving, wake up with a rumbling belly and forcing
yourself into the gym for hours when all you want to do is take a nap. These
girls were my listening ear, confidants, and partners in and out of the gym for
the past 6 months. They’re simply awesome – and we’ve already begun making
memories outside of the gym that I cherish.
- I uncovered willpower I never
thought I had. Prior to this prep, I lived by mottos including: life is short, have dessert first! And treat yourself! You deserve it! I was
awful about depriving myself. If I drove by Pinkberry on the way home and
wanted it, I got it. If I was tired and felt like calling my lifting session
short, or called it quits at mile 3 instead of pushing myself further, I
stopped. This experience forced me to take this seriously. I knew I couldn’t
“cheat” on the diet… I knew I couldn’t skip out on workouts. I was going to have
to push myself. Push myself beyond every single limitation I ever placed on
myself. There was going to be no “I can’t” or “I don’t want to.” I had to give
it every single ounce I had. And I did. And it was fucking amazing. Now don’t
get me wrong, eating chicken and cod and asparagus out of my microwave (I was
living through a renovation the last month of prep) was not amazing. It was
terrible. I cried. A lot. Dragging my exhausted ass to the gym for hours a day
wasn’t fun towards the end. I had zero strength. Zero endurance. Deadlifts are
some of my favorite moves – and I went from being able to pull 135lb for 10
reps no problem to struggling with 95lbs for one rep. Sometimes I felt so
dizzy, other times my stomach grumbled so loudly I would troll Pinterest for
hours… just looking at food I knew I couldn’t eat. But I realized just how
strong I am. It’s mind over matter – and that transcends into various aspects
of life beyond any fitness competition.
- My confidence skyrocketed. I’ve briefly discussed my past
struggles on this blog, but I battled a serious eating disorder for 10+ years
of my life. It was awful. I just never felt confident in my own skin. I
compared myself to other girls, I stared at my reflection in the mirror
wondering why I couldn’t have slender hips and chiseled abs. I wouldn’t wish it
on my worst enemy – the feeling you get as a woman when you’d do anything –
including risking your own health – to feel better about yourself. Throughout
prep, my confidence soared. Sure, the comments and glances from men were nice,
but it was seeing myself transform that really motivated me. I saw my body tone
and tighten, and I saw my strength and endurance increase. For the first time
in my 31 years, I was proud of the reflection that stared back at me. I felt
beautiful in my skin – and that is priceless. In fact, I had a friend of mine - who happens to be an exceptionally talented photographer - offer to take some pictures the day after my show... and I'm in love with each shot more than the next. She hasn't had a chance to work her photoshop magic on my splotchy spray tan, but here is a sneak peak at some of my favorite shots:
Now, as I’ve always said, it hasn’t been all unicorns
shitting rainbows. It’s been hard. And there have definitely been quite a few
“lows” throughout the past 6 months.
- I’ve isolated myself. I’ve declined invitations to
bachelorette parties, vacations, dinners out, girl’s weekends, work trips and
more. I’ve spent more Friday and Saturday nights alone on the couch than ever
before. By the end of prep, I was so hungry and irritable, I stopped answering
my phone and refused to return phone calls. I don’t like being a negative
person and rather than project my grumpiness on anyone else, I abstained from
communicating with the people I care about.
- I created a body that isn’t sustainable. I’ll admit it – I
love being as lean as I was show day. But the fact of the matter is, it’s not
sustainable. I have zero desire to live a life of deprivation. I want the
margarita. I want the fro yo. But I also want the abs. Well friends, you can’t
have it all. So now I’m going to have to live life and figure out how to
balance it all.
- I’ve become shallow. It’s embarrassing to see how many of
the pictures in my phone over the last 6 months are shirtless selfies. Every
day I’d wake up, weigh myself and take a selfie to see my “progress.” What I
want is a camera roll full of pictures of me and my loved ones, smiling, making
once in a lifetime memories. So again, now I strive to live a life of balance –
and stop putting my life on hold.
So, you must be reading this and wondering… “So Jenn, will
you do it again?”
And the answer is probably. My goal over the next few months
is to continue hitting the gym and building a bit of muscle in key areas
including my delts, hamstrings and glutes. I’m going to indulge and let myself
enjoy some treats I used to enjoy like frozen yogurt, petite filets, wine and
margaritas but try and limit my indulgences so I can maintain some sort of lean
physique over the holidays.
If I do another prep, I’d like it to be with a IIFYM
approach. I did my last prep with a “clean eating” and “elimination diet” and I
don’t think I would or could do it again. I don’t have the desire to eliminate
complete food groups from my diet nor do I think it’s necessary. Plenty of
people compete using an “If It Fits Your Macros” approach – meaning they track
their macronutrients including calories, fat, protein and carbohydrates. And as
long as they calories out exceed their calories in, they can eat any food
groups they choose. Coming from someone who hasn’t had a banana in nearly 6
months, I’d say IIFYM sounds pretty damn good to me.
So there’s my recap, folks! I must say yet again – thank
you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for all of your support and kind
words throughout this whole journey. I’ve kept every note, every voicemail. I
cherish my friends who came out and sat for 5 hours on show day waiting for me
to come out and strut myself nearly naked for 5 minutes on stage.
My desire for balance transcends into every aspect of life,
including this blog. I’m excited to resume writing about life, love and
everything in between and sharing it all with you along the way.
XO,
Jenn
