Don't Fall In Love. Rise In It.

I used to think drama in relationships was inevitable.

I used to think relationships were a lot of work.

I used to think I wasn’t deserving of true love.

I used to think I’d never let my walls down long enough to experience love.

And ultimately, I used to think if I ever did meet the right one, I’d fall in love.

I had it all wrong.

I did meet the right one. But instead of falling in love, I rose in love.

This love is easy. In fact, it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.

I don’t have to worry. I don’t have to wonder.

I don’t have to fight for my relationship’s success.

I may not always be easy going, but I’m in the calmest place I’ve ever been.

Any time two people come together – be it in a work relationship, a friendship or a passionate relationship – there will be bumps in the road. After all, that’s what happens when two opinions, two thought processes and two egos are brought together. But bumps are merely ways to gain greater understanding of one another. They’re meant to educate us and ultimately bring us closer together.

I’m not writing this to brag about the love I am graced to receive. I am writing this because there were many years of wondering, of worrying, of crying – scared that I would never find it. That I’d never meet someone who loved me and stood by me. That I’d never meet someone I wanted to open the dark corners of myself to.

But here I am. I’m still the same imperfectly perfect someone. It is possible. It’s possible to find someone who loves all the things the people before ran from. It’s possible to find someone who makes being vulnerable not seem so scary. It’s possible to find someone who brings purpose to your life like you never imagined.

I write this in case you – or anyone you know or love – is scared. Scared they’re undeserving. Scared that after too much heartbreak it’s just not possible. I’m here to tell you it is.

Rising in love has humbled me in a way I never imagined. It has woken me up in the middle of my life. It has brought meaning to the most meaningless things. It makes me strive to be softer. To be kinder. To be more tolerant. And for those reasons – and a million more – I will never be the same. And that’s 100% okay by me.

                 

How Do You Know Your Partner Is THE ONE?

I recently stumbled upon such a thought-provoking article from A Cup of Jo - if you're looking for a neat blog that covers topics ranging from food, fashion, relationships and more, you must check out Joanna!

The article, How Do You Know Your Partner Is the One, surveyed folks on the age old question - How did you know he/she was the ONE? Immediately after reading the article, I began reflecting upon my own relationship. Despite having met my boyfriend a few times over the past few years, the timing was never right. We had both been dating others and we lived on opposite ends of the country. However, when our mutual friends re-introduced us last year things were different. I was different. My wants and needs were different. I was finishing up a long fitness competition prep, I had recently bought a home and was in the midst of renovation, and more than anything - I finally felt like I had become the person that the person I was looking for was looking for. 

At the risk of sounding cliche, everything changed when I began dating Ken. He is quite literally one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever known. He's kind and patient when I need it most. He takes control and leads the way when I'm lost. He treats me like a partner and a priority, eliminating any doubt that could have easily crept in as we embarked upon a loooong distance relationship. With all that said, and with Jo's article in mind, there are still more than a handful of other reasons I know I've met the one.

His happiness is mine. Is he having a good day? Ohhhh, look! M&MS. He loves M&Ms. I should buy these for him. A new superhero movie is opening this weekend. I better buy us tickets before it's sold out! I can't wait to hear how he crushed a workout or how well he played golf. Seeing his smile in person, over FaceTime and hearing it on the phone all brighten my day and bring my heart happiness.  

Home is no longer a place. Home is with him. Sometimes we're spending weekends in Atlanta. Other times we're spending weeks or a month on end in California. We've done a weekend in Vegas and we're going to Hawaii next month for my birthday. The common denominator in all of those places is US. Our relationship has taught me that I don't really care where I live (so long as there's a Lulu and Whole Foods within driving distance - DUH!) so long as we are by each other's side. 

I'm softer and sweeter. Let's not forget - I'm a born and raised spitfire Jewish girl from NYC. Where I grew up, we took public transportation. We cursed. We spit our gum out in the middle of the street while walking to the neighborhood 7 Eleven to buy slurpees and play handball. And while you can take the girl out of New York, you can't always take New York out of the girl. I'm still short tempered (despite my best efforts) and a bit feisty. I don't do small talk and I rarely smile at strangers. Since Ken came into my life, I've become.... softer. I've become sweeter. I'm not even sure when it happened - maybe slowly, maybe all at once. But all I know is I wish people a nice day, I smile at strangers and I wave cars in while I'm stopped at street lights. I don't preemptively hang up on customer service representatives and I'm just a much more patient and understanding human being. 

I miss him from the other room. Literally. As soon as he leaves the room, I miss him. 

I see our future. No, not in the weird fortune teller way. But I see it. While I feel zero pressure to start a family right now, I can't help but completely swoon when I watch him - sometimes he's wiping off Lucy's paws from a walk... other times he's laying on the floor playing with his nephew or holding a friend's baby. Sometimes he's just shaving in the bathroom mirror - and I can't help but smile at the idea of him teaching our son how to shave (or letting or daughter slather his face with shaving cream!). When I look at him, I see a whole life ahead. 

I have zero doubts. Our distance has never made me doubt the fate of our relationship. I don't lay in bed wondering how I really, truly feel. I don't wonder if I could see myself as a member of his family or him in mine. I don't question whether he'll be the strong husband I want or a loving father to our children. I don't fear that one single disagreement or argument will end our relationship. My heart is still and my mind feels at peace. 

And this peaceful feeling is how I know. How I know I've met my person. 

XO,
Jenn

5 Ways to Create a Life You Love

1.       Consciously create your life. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone says “You’ll never believe what so and so did to me” or “You’re so lucky, Jenn!” Um no. I’m not particularly lucky. I have the same 24 hours in my day. I don’t have things delivered to me on a silver platter. I work. I hustle. While I wholeheartedly recognize there are circumstances that arise in our lives beyond our control, but we ALWAYS have a choice in how we respond. We have the power to shape our day, our life, how we see fit. You don’t like where you are (physically/emotionally)? Move. You’re not a tree.

2.       Let life naturally evolve. While I certainly do believe we can manifest the life we want, I do think sometimes we have such an intense desire to want something SO badly that we ruin it before it even begins. We over-think. We imagine. We develop expectations. We worry. We doubt. As a self-confessed worry-wart, any time I feel myself worrying about any one particular topic, I remind myself that worrying is essentially like praying for what you DON’T want. Be patient. Good things take time.

3.       Choose to see the good. I don’t care how bad life feels today, there IS something good. Are you choosing to see it? Maybe work sucks. Maybe your relationship just ended. Shoot, maybe you just lost a loved one. It sucks. Your heart aches. I get it, trust me. But here is where things become critical. CHOOSE to challenge yourself in times of sadness to see at least ONE good thing surrounding you. A hug from a friend, a call from a loved one, snuggles from your pup. Whatever it is… there IS good. It’s up to you whether you consciously choose to recognize and appreciate it.

4.       Be kind to yourself. You ate too many cookies. You missed a deadline at work. You skipped the gym all weekend. I used to come down so incredibly hard on myself. I’d find myself in these negative spirals of self-talk saying things I would never dream of saying to a friend, sister, or daughter. Why shouldn’t we speak to ourselves how we’d speak to someone we love? Are we not deserving of second chances? Give yourself a break. We’re all trying our best in this crazy game called life.

5.       Stop waiting for the next best thing to bring you happiness. I’ve been very open about my struggle with “living in the moment” – it’s just never something that came naturally to me. I’m a planner. I’m driven. I have goals. I want to make shit happen. Here’s the thing, though. Sometimes the more we chase after something, the further away it becomes. The next big job, the next city to live in, the next partner to commit to…. Whatever your idea of what’s next is, forget it. Take a moment (literally, right now, take a moment) and look around at the life you’ve created for yourself. Realize that happiness is right here, right now. It’s not once you receive the promotion… it’s not once you fall in love… It’s not once you fit in a certain size pair of jeans... It’s not once you’re on vacation or once you’ve moved into a bigger, newer house. It’s in this moment. So appreciate it – because once you appreciate the smaller, seemingly little moments… you’ll realize those were in fact the big ones. 

What I'm Thankful For This Year

As the Thanksgiving holiday quickly approaches, I've been thinking quite a bit about gratitude. I honestly cannot believe 2015 is coming to a close - it seems the older I get, the faster the years whiz on by. There have definitely been some highs and lows over the past year, so I decided to embark on a gratitude journey - appreciating all of the lessons I've learned over the past 11 months. If you haven't tried a gratitude exercise, I encourage you to do so. Studies and research show practicing gratitude improves your physical and psychological health as well as overall self-esteem and mental strength. 

So let's flip the script and cultivate gratitude this holiday season rather than succumb to complaining about holiday mall traffic, being the only single one at the family holiday dinner table, or whatever else may be weighing on you as the season quickly approaches.

2015, thank you for:

My New Home
I mean, look at this beautiful spa-like bathroom! :) 

In all seriousness, I was blessed with the ability to purchase a beautiful new home this year. One in which I was able to re-design essentially from the ground up. I had so much fun working with a skilled contractor gutting nearly 75% of my 1960s ranch-style home. Some of my favorite touches? My all-white kitchen, 7 ft island perfect for entertaining, huge dining room which will be hosting my very first Thanksgiving, a beautifully feminine bedroom complete with an adorable chandelier that hangs over my bed, nearly an acre of peaceful, private land... and the list goes on. 

Phenomenal Friends

Boy have I been blessed with amazing friends. They've supported me all year long - from coming to cheer me on at my bikini competition, to being my listening ear, letting me be the third wheel, putting up with me bringing tupperware to fancy restaurants, calling/texting/emailing/showing up at my house when I just needed support, and so much more. I feel beyond blessed to be surrounded by such strong, supportive and loving women.

A Strong Mind and Resilient Body

Competition prep was anything but easy this year. Dropping 10% body fat while putting on lean muscle mass over a short 4 months was hard. There were days - especially as my show came near - where I had barely enough energy to get out of bed. Juggling a full-time career, spending 2-3 hours a day in the gym, living on less than 1,000 calories and around 5g fat a day left me EXHAUSTED. Yet somehow, I pushed myself beyond my limits and made it to show day unscathed. I am beyond grateful for making it through without a single physical injury. Sure, I missed out on quite a few memories and my lady friend still hasn't returned, but all in all - my body and mind stayed strong and kept pushing... even when all I wanted to do was quit (which I debated daily!).

Maturity to Trust the Timing of My Life
This year, I finally stopped swimming up stream. I spent nearly the entire year single, embracing the opportunity to spend some time on myself. I taught barre, took some vacations, prepped for my first bikini competition, worked my tail off, received a promotion, sold my condo, bought and renovated a new (to me) home, nurtured relationships with friends and family and just "did me." I spent lots of time reflecting on past decisions, future desires, and worked on aspects of myself I was less than thrilled with. It's been an incredible journey - one that I am particularly proud of considering embracing singleness has always been a point of contention for me. I am beyond grateful I took the time and am so very excited to see what the future has in store for me. They say you have to be your own before you can be someone else's... and for the first time in a long time - I feel like I am the person that the person I am looking for is looking for. 

Well, friends... what are YOU thankful for??

XO,
Jenn

6th Week NPC Prep + A Letter to Myself

Workouts
Booty, booty rockin everywhereeeeee!! I must say, 6 weeks in I am getting SO excited. It's hard when you look at your body every day - sometimes you don't see the evolution as clearly as others. But over the past week or so, I've really been motivated with the changes I am seeing in my body. Still crushing my workouts (never missing one and bringing the intensity!) I really can see results - especially in my glutes, hammies and abs. I have NEVER been able to get definition in my abs. Whether I was running 6 days a week, in the throws of my eating disorder, or trying to do things the healthy way, my mid-section has always been my "trouble zone." Even Coach Steve told me - sit tight, your trouble zones will come in last. I am happy to report my abs are flatter and tighter - and definition is coming thru! Couldn't be more excited. And speaking of being excited, holy tush!!! Comparing my pictures week over week, my backside is getting higher and tighter. I went out Saturday night with girlfriends and couldn't wait to throw on my short shorts. Well hello, hammies! It's really amazing what heavy deadlifts, squats, lunges, kickbacks and extensions will do. I am in awe - and loving how the hard work is finally paying off! My triceps are still weak (skull crushers are impossibly hard - why?!) and upper body is continuing to be my least favorite to train, but I'm hitting shoulders and bis per Steve's orders and slowly but surely, they're coming along. Pics to come soon :)



Nutrition
For those of you who have asked, here is what my current supplementation plan looks like:

Cellucor Cor-Performance Whey and Dymatize ISO-100 (I alternate between brands to keep my taste buds guessing!)
Optimum Nutrition Glutamine - 1 scoop immediately following a lifting session 
Optimum Nutrition Pro BCAA - 1 scoop during my workouts (I drink them during barre class and while I lift)
Optimum Nutrition ZMA - 2 capsules at bedtime

ZMA - a supplement comprised of Zinc, Magnesium and B6 assists athletes with enhancing muscle recovery, boosting muscle size and strength and potentially aiding in fat loss and has been my saving grace lately. You can read more about the supplement and its benefits here. The first week of prep I was sleeping like a boss, but that was short lived. After week 2, I began waking up around 3-4 am every night, unable to fall back asleep! Now I take 2 ZMA pills before bedtime and sleep like a baby, waking up feeling well rested with tons of energy. With training 90 minutes a day and teaching my barre classes, not sleeping is NOT an option. I was nervous if I didn't find a "natural" remedy, I would have to go to see my physician, but thankfully they do the trick! 

Favorite Meals: 

Yummy pancake con cafe!

Breakfast: 1/3 cup oats mixed with 2/3 cup egg whites cooked up like a pancake. Mix a little whey and water for a chocolate "drizzle" and top with 1/2 cup fruit (mashed banana or cherries are my fave lately!). 
Mid-morning snack: 3 oz plain non-fat Greek yogurt topped with 1/2 cup fresh pitted cherries (I look like I've committed mass murder when I'm done, but oh so worth it!) and 1 oz raw almonds. Yummy in my tummy.
Lunch: Eh, anything goes. I usually keep it simple. 3 oz ground turkey, 4 oz sweet potato "fries" and 3/4 cup whichever veggie I have readily available. Some days I cook up sugar snap peas (my favorite) and on particularly lazy days, I cut a cucumber in half and just munch on that (a sight to be seen, really!). 

Fajitas!

Mid-afternoon snack: 3 oz chicken with 2 oz avocado and 3/4 cup whatever veggie I'm craving (sometimes I skip the veggie entirely - a girl can only eat so much!)

Dinner: Chicken, grilled onions and peppers rolled in butter lettuce (Hello, fajitas!) alongside sweet potato "fries".
Pre-Bed Meal: Hands down my favorite of the day. 1 scoop Whey protein combined with water, ice and 1/2 frozen banana. I lay on the couch with the shake and my kindle, and Lucy curled up by my side. Life is good! 


Cravings: In anticipation for an upcoming cheat meal, I am craving fro-yo and Twizzlers! And sushi :)



Mental State
I'm happy to report, things are great! There are days when my body feels tired, or I don't feel so strong in the gym, but the moments are short-lived and I'm able to keep pushing through. I think seeing the changes in my body is really what helps drive me. I also love spending my Saturday afternoons at posing practice - there is something really comforting about being up on stage with my fellow competitors, talking about our struggles, laughing as we pose near-naked on a stage in a busy gym... it's just nice chatting with other guys and girls living the same lifestyle as me. Dating during prep is so oddly challenging. It's really interesting just how much dating is centered around dinners and drinks. Honestly though, I am so focused on my career, training, teaching, keeping my diet tight and spending quality time with Lucy and friends, that dating isn't top of mind at this stage in the game. I've done a lot of thinking lately - about what I want and the type of person I want it with... and I've been trying to read a bit more, pray a bit more. Recently I came across this quote that sums up my mental state right now: "At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening." If you would've asked me a year ago where I'd be today, I would have said picking out monogrammed sheet sets. But here I am. And that's okay! I am completely content waiting for what I deserve, and refusing to settle for less. I've started to compare my love life to reading a new book. Sometimes you read the first few pages and think "Oh crap, this sucks!" and want to drop the book like a hot potato. But you have to read through it to understand the next few chapters and ultimately, the story in its entirety. I'm trying not to look back, nor am I trying to skip any pages. I'm taking it one page at a time, just believing and having faith that tomorrow could be even more beautiful than I ever imagined. 

A Letter to Myself
I recently came across a note I wrote to myself the night before I started competition prep. Thought it was too good not to share - and applies to us all as we embark on various journeys through life. I hope if you're going through any sort of challenge, this letter invigorates you and gives you the motivation you need to keep on truckin!

"It's going to be hard. Keep going, remembering why you started. It's hard to wake up uncomfortable every day stuck in a body you're not completely satisfied with. It's hard to prep your meals, say no to happy hour and pack your food. Choose your hard. Stay focused. Stay determined. You can do anything, sweet girl!

Remember the morning you found out Grandma suddenly passed away? What about the day you realized you wanted to end your marriage? The day you lost sweet Tiffany. You never knew how you'd dig yourself out of the grief. And yet here you are, standing tall. You made it through to the other side. You have your happy back! This experience is teaching you that you can do any damn thing you set your mind to. Be soft, yet strong. Let yourself be open to whatever and whomever life sends your way. Let your past make you better, never bitter."

XO,
Jenn

Lessons I’ve Learned from My Mother

I was lucky enough to be able to ring in my mom’s birthday with her and our family this week… and in honor of her, I thought it appropriate to share a few life lessons she has imparted on me over my lifetime.

·      Express Gratitude.  All the thank you notes. The thank you phone calls. I always dreaded my birthday and the holidays, because while all my friends were off enjoying their new shiny toys, I was stuck inside writing thank you notes on my "Thank You from Jennifer" stationary. What I couldn't grasp then, is that grace and gratitude are rare qualities. Qualities that must be taught. Values that must be instilled. And as a result, I have never received a gift without sending a thank you note or calling to express my gratitude. The funny thing is, as I’ve grown older and started gifting to my friends and family, I always remember the individuals who say thank you. Those who make me feel that my gift/gesture is genuinely appreciated. And it makes giving that much sweeter. So the lesson here? Splurge on some custom stationary. And next time Aunt Betty sends you a $25 check for your birthday, go ahead and send her a beautifully hand written note telling her how much you appreciate her. You’ll see how good it feels.

·      You Can Never Be Overeducated. I was the first out of my immediate family to graduate college. My parents were blown away that when senior year of high school rolled around, I not only chose my major, but knew exactly which school was known for it. I wanted to be a Journalist, I said triumphantly. And the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism at Arizona State was one of the top schools. In order to get in, I’d need a math SAT tutor (I’m lucky to get 2 + 2 right most of the time) in order to get a high enough grade, and he’ll be coming to the house every Tuesday for the next six months. My mom looked dumbfounded.

“You mean you’ve already hired a tutor? I didn’t even know the SATs were coming. When are they? Do you need me to sign something? Do you need my credit card?”

Till this day my Mom still loves to laugh about what a mission I was on. I hired my SAT tutor, wouldn’t settle on my first score and took the test again, blowing my first score out of the water. I applied for the one and only college I wanted to go attend, got accepted and the rest was history. From as young as I could remember, my mom has stressed the importance of earning a great education and building a successful career. Not so that I could meet the right person, but so I could BE the right person. For that lesson, I’ll be eternally grateful.

·      Know Your Worth. As young girls, we get caught up in drama. Am I skinny enough? Am I pretty enough? Are my clothes nice enough? While my mom always taught me to take pride in my appearance (she may have started me on facials and skin care regimes at age 10), she instilled the lesson in me that "whether you can or can’t, you’re right." She drove home the realization that there may always be someone smarter, someone prettier, and someone with more (and someone with less!) – what really mattered is what I thought about myself. Do I feel confident? Do I know what I bring to the table? Do I know my worth? When the answer was no, she stood by my side – and made me take a long, hard look in the mirror. Never afraid to call me out on my insecurities, my mom has always made me face things head on – and understand that if I didn't love something about myself, I could change. I could grow and become the girl/teenager/woman I wanted to be. Life is a journey and nothing happens overnight. Go slow, stay the course, and always strive to be the best version of yourself.

·      Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight.  I’ve failed so many times. College Algebra (I told you I was terrible at math!). Obscene speeding tickets (who buys a 17 year old girl a Mustang Cobra?!). Shoplifting a headband at age 14 and ending up in jail (slightly excessive punishment, however the cop did let me ride up front after I asked him nicely). An eating disorder that could have killed me. Hospitalized for a concussion that occurred after a few too many sake bombs (Arizona State knew how to party). Point is – I’ve failed. I’ve fallen down (quite literally) plenty of times. I am here today, blessed enough to say that my mother has ALWAYS been by my side. Sure, she’s been disappointed. She’s screamed, cursed and punished me. Yet each and every time, she was there by my side. And what I’ve learned from her unconditional love is that we will stumble. We will fall. But that’s not what counts. We are not measured by how many times we fall, but how many times we get up. And I've learned that resiliency and steadfast dedication to rising above, despite being knocked down, are all that matter.

I could write for days and I still wouldn't cover all the lessons I've learned from the woman I am blessed enough to call my mom, and I look forward to the wisdom she'll impart on me in the years to come. What I do hope is on this day (and the other 364) she realizes not just how much I love her, but how damn grateful I am for her unyielding support and love. Without the lessons she has taught me, I’d be a hell of a lot less stylish, certainly less driven, and quite possibly lost in this crazy world.

Thank you, Mama. Happiest of Birthdays to You.

XO,

Jenn

Falling in Love, Falling in Passion, and Knowing the Difference.

Love is compromise. Love is gentle understanding. Love is lots of 7s, 8s and 9s.

Passion is hot and steamy. Passion is impromptu trips around the world. Passion is 10s and 1s.

Love is patience and kindness. Love is comfortable silence.

Passion is mind blowing sex. Passion is fancy dinners at the hottest restaurants, followed by drunken arguments at the wee hours of the morning.

I recently read an article that discussed Jennifer Lopez’s new book True Love, and her many high-profile relationships. She expanded upon how she mistook passion for love in the most simplistic, yet real way:

“But passion is a pendulum that swings both ways. As beautiful as it can be it can also get very intense. Yet, through thick and thin, I chose to stay in those relationships. Because how can you turn your back on a love so big, so amazing, so real? The problem is, it wasn't real love; it was passion. I just didn't know the difference yet.”

In recent years, I have most certainly found myself in relationships where I’ve confused passion for love. It has taken a certain level of maturity and self-discovery for me to realize what actually matters to me. Are the grand gestures, fancy vacations and presents wonderful? Sure, they bring a sense of instant gratification. “Wow! Look how much he loves me! Look what he bought me. Look where he’s taking me.” Yet those very types of relationships also left me feeling, at times, “I can’t believe he called me those names. I can’t believe he lost his temper like that. Did he really mean what he said during that fight?”

It’s only now that I’m able to see things from a clear perspective. And you know what? I’ll take the respect. I’ll take the kindness, the compassion and gentleness. Give me your loyalty. Give me your most genuine and vulnerable heart. You can keep the rest.   

What about you out there? Have you ever found yourself in a relationship full of passion and lacking in love? Perhaps the opposite? Let me hear from you!

XO,
Jenn

5 Things I've Learned from Past Relationships

1. Communication is the cornerstone to a successful relationship. This may sound glaringly obvious, but surprisingly, it's harder for some of us than others. I've realized I can be quite an emotional person, and when the possibility of getting hurt/letting myself be vulnerable/being rejected exists, I clam up. I'm talking about the ridiculous "I'm fine" and "Nothing is wrong" crap that some of us pull. Not only is it a sign of immaturity, but it sets relationships up for failure. True love conquers all (yes, I'm THAT much of a romantic - I really believe it!!) and if someone loves you, let yourself feel safe enough to open up. Show your fears, show your scars. When someone loves you enough, they'll listen to what you have to say - without judgement, without running for the exits. They'll love you FOR those things, not despite them.
2. Give all you have, without thinking of receiving. One of my favorite quotes comes from the 14^th century poet Hafiz: "Even after all this time, the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love life that, it lights the whole sky." I love this quote for so many reasons. I love how beautiful the thought is that when we give with all we have - expecting nothing in return, amazing things can happen. Love with your whole heart. The right person should bring that out in you. When you're in love, don't half ass it. Use your whole ass!
3. Hold yourself accountable. I'm not perfect. I can be a pain in the ass. I can give the person I love the silent treatment when I'm upset or hurt. It has taken me nearly 30 years to not simply realize I'm not perfect, but to actually hold myself accountable. Giving your partner the silent treatment/saying "I'm fine" when I'm really not is not ok. It's not acceptable to act out of character simply out of fear of rejection or fear of conflict. In reflecting on the demise of some special relationships, and the role I played (takes two to tango, people!), I've realized I must hold myself accountable. How can we possibly expect our partners to be exceptional communicators and treat us with nothing but love and respect if we don't hold ourselves to the same standards? Well that's simply not acceptable for me any longer. I am now accountable for every action, every word.
4. Listen to your gut. We know. It's as simple as that. Your voice is there for a reason. Always listen to it.
5. Never leave words left unsaid. One of the hardest things I've ever done was let myself become completely vulnerable after a significant breakup. I called my ex - after a few too many sleepless nights - and did something I've never done before. The old me would have let pride and fear get in the way, but something that morning told me to listen to my heart. I let myself be vulnerable. It nearly felt as though my heart would explode if I didn't say what I needed to. I emptied my heart, expressing every emotion and feeling, without worrying about how it would be received or what his reaction would be. Sure, I was vulnerable. Sure, it hurt beyond words when he said that he loved me, but the timing wasn't right. But you know what? I regret not a single word. I stayed true to me - and was my most authentic and genuine self. Since then I've seen the quote "Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost." I am so grateful I followed my heart and was honest with my feelings. I told the person I loved just what they meant to me. And that is quite simply a feeling of contentment I've never experienced before. 

What about you? What lessons have you learned from past relationships?

XO,

Jenn

The Blessing in the Lesson

We've all been there. We've all done the "ugly cry" after a break up. Sitting around with girlfriends, getting sloppy drunk over cheap wine, asking some variation of "Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this pain? Will I ever get over it? Will I ever feel strong enough to move on? Will I ever love someone like that again?"

The saying is true. Breaking up IS hard to do.

But the truth is, it's also one of the most freeing things you can do on your individual quest to self-discovery. 

I went through my own difficult breakup almost 6 months ago, and while the pain I felt from the split didn't surprise me one bit, how I chose to cope with it did. Instead of taking time for myself, creating a Netflix account and investing in a few pints of Ben and Jerrys, I did something I've never done before. I jumped into another relationship. 

Let me first offer the disclaimer - I have never been a serial dater. I mean ever. I went through high school and college single, in fear of "missing out." I went to college across the country, and studied abroad. I never wanted ties holding me down when I was younger. Fast forward to marrying my high school best friend at 23 and divorced at 27, I found myself single again and the thought of dating felt so overwhelming - I didn't know where to begin!

After a few years of casual dates, and a relationship that dragged on a bit longer than it ever should have (aren't we all guilty of getting complacent from time to time?) - I realized that I was ready for a real, adult relationship. I was ready to be part of a team, ready to fall in love, and ready for a best friend.

So I did exactly what you'd expect. 

I joined Tinder.

And I fell in love. 

Now, don't let me fool you. It wasn't as easy as "Boy sees girl, boy swipes right. Girl sees boy, girl swipes right."

It actually went something more like, "Girl gets hundreds of matches and messages in 24 hours, decides to try juggling boy A and boy B. Girl goes out with both, likes both, and continues dating both. One evening, girl tells boy A she's not going out (she's actually going out with boy B). Girl gets CAUGHT by A while on a date with B. I mean HOW small of a world is that?! 

While the night I got "busted" was not my finest hour, it was the best thing that could have happened. While standing at a bar, on a date, I realized I was out with the wrong man. I ended that date immediately after seeing my other suitor and never looked back. The very next morning, we went out on a walk, shared a pizza, bought a couch (for him - come on, way too soon to buy furniture together!) and so began our story.

Over time, I'll share stories from the relationship that I thought would be my last, but the point I'm trying to make here is that breakups happen. And while we never have a crystal ball to tell us what will happen in the future, we need to view them as lessons. And the blessing in these lessons, is that we are forced to look in the mirror. The good, the bad and the ugly, that all resides within ourselves. While I didn't take the time to put in the "work" immediately after that relationship ended, I'm doing it now. And any time invested in ourselves is time well spent. Because even though we can't go back and change the past, we can put forth all our energy into creating a wonderful future!

XO,
Jenn