Falling in Love, Falling in Passion, and Knowing the Difference.

Love is compromise. Love is gentle understanding. Love is lots of 7s, 8s and 9s.

Passion is hot and steamy. Passion is impromptu trips around the world. Passion is 10s and 1s.

Love is patience and kindness. Love is comfortable silence.

Passion is mind blowing sex. Passion is fancy dinners at the hottest restaurants, followed by drunken arguments at the wee hours of the morning.

I recently read an article that discussed Jennifer Lopez’s new book True Love, and her many high-profile relationships. She expanded upon how she mistook passion for love in the most simplistic, yet real way:

“But passion is a pendulum that swings both ways. As beautiful as it can be it can also get very intense. Yet, through thick and thin, I chose to stay in those relationships. Because how can you turn your back on a love so big, so amazing, so real? The problem is, it wasn't real love; it was passion. I just didn't know the difference yet.”

In recent years, I have most certainly found myself in relationships where I’ve confused passion for love. It has taken a certain level of maturity and self-discovery for me to realize what actually matters to me. Are the grand gestures, fancy vacations and presents wonderful? Sure, they bring a sense of instant gratification. “Wow! Look how much he loves me! Look what he bought me. Look where he’s taking me.” Yet those very types of relationships also left me feeling, at times, “I can’t believe he called me those names. I can’t believe he lost his temper like that. Did he really mean what he said during that fight?”

It’s only now that I’m able to see things from a clear perspective. And you know what? I’ll take the respect. I’ll take the kindness, the compassion and gentleness. Give me your loyalty. Give me your most genuine and vulnerable heart. You can keep the rest.   

What about you out there? Have you ever found yourself in a relationship full of passion and lacking in love? Perhaps the opposite? Let me hear from you!

XO,
Jenn

5 Things I've Learned from Past Relationships

1. Communication is the cornerstone to a successful relationship. This may sound glaringly obvious, but surprisingly, it's harder for some of us than others. I've realized I can be quite an emotional person, and when the possibility of getting hurt/letting myself be vulnerable/being rejected exists, I clam up. I'm talking about the ridiculous "I'm fine" and "Nothing is wrong" crap that some of us pull. Not only is it a sign of immaturity, but it sets relationships up for failure. True love conquers all (yes, I'm THAT much of a romantic - I really believe it!!) and if someone loves you, let yourself feel safe enough to open up. Show your fears, show your scars. When someone loves you enough, they'll listen to what you have to say - without judgement, without running for the exits. They'll love you FOR those things, not despite them.
2. Give all you have, without thinking of receiving. One of my favorite quotes comes from the 14^th century poet Hafiz: "Even after all this time, the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love life that, it lights the whole sky." I love this quote for so many reasons. I love how beautiful the thought is that when we give with all we have - expecting nothing in return, amazing things can happen. Love with your whole heart. The right person should bring that out in you. When you're in love, don't half ass it. Use your whole ass!
3. Hold yourself accountable. I'm not perfect. I can be a pain in the ass. I can give the person I love the silent treatment when I'm upset or hurt. It has taken me nearly 30 years to not simply realize I'm not perfect, but to actually hold myself accountable. Giving your partner the silent treatment/saying "I'm fine" when I'm really not is not ok. It's not acceptable to act out of character simply out of fear of rejection or fear of conflict. In reflecting on the demise of some special relationships, and the role I played (takes two to tango, people!), I've realized I must hold myself accountable. How can we possibly expect our partners to be exceptional communicators and treat us with nothing but love and respect if we don't hold ourselves to the same standards? Well that's simply not acceptable for me any longer. I am now accountable for every action, every word.
4. Listen to your gut. We know. It's as simple as that. Your voice is there for a reason. Always listen to it.
5. Never leave words left unsaid. One of the hardest things I've ever done was let myself become completely vulnerable after a significant breakup. I called my ex - after a few too many sleepless nights - and did something I've never done before. The old me would have let pride and fear get in the way, but something that morning told me to listen to my heart. I let myself be vulnerable. It nearly felt as though my heart would explode if I didn't say what I needed to. I emptied my heart, expressing every emotion and feeling, without worrying about how it would be received or what his reaction would be. Sure, I was vulnerable. Sure, it hurt beyond words when he said that he loved me, but the timing wasn't right. But you know what? I regret not a single word. I stayed true to me - and was my most authentic and genuine self. Since then I've seen the quote "Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost." I am so grateful I followed my heart and was honest with my feelings. I told the person I loved just what they meant to me. And that is quite simply a feeling of contentment I've never experienced before. 

What about you? What lessons have you learned from past relationships?

XO,

Jenn

The Blessing in the Lesson

We've all been there. We've all done the "ugly cry" after a break up. Sitting around with girlfriends, getting sloppy drunk over cheap wine, asking some variation of "Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this pain? Will I ever get over it? Will I ever feel strong enough to move on? Will I ever love someone like that again?"

The saying is true. Breaking up IS hard to do.

But the truth is, it's also one of the most freeing things you can do on your individual quest to self-discovery. 

I went through my own difficult breakup almost 6 months ago, and while the pain I felt from the split didn't surprise me one bit, how I chose to cope with it did. Instead of taking time for myself, creating a Netflix account and investing in a few pints of Ben and Jerrys, I did something I've never done before. I jumped into another relationship. 

Let me first offer the disclaimer - I have never been a serial dater. I mean ever. I went through high school and college single, in fear of "missing out." I went to college across the country, and studied abroad. I never wanted ties holding me down when I was younger. Fast forward to marrying my high school best friend at 23 and divorced at 27, I found myself single again and the thought of dating felt so overwhelming - I didn't know where to begin!

After a few years of casual dates, and a relationship that dragged on a bit longer than it ever should have (aren't we all guilty of getting complacent from time to time?) - I realized that I was ready for a real, adult relationship. I was ready to be part of a team, ready to fall in love, and ready for a best friend.

So I did exactly what you'd expect. 

I joined Tinder.

And I fell in love. 

Now, don't let me fool you. It wasn't as easy as "Boy sees girl, boy swipes right. Girl sees boy, girl swipes right."

It actually went something more like, "Girl gets hundreds of matches and messages in 24 hours, decides to try juggling boy A and boy B. Girl goes out with both, likes both, and continues dating both. One evening, girl tells boy A she's not going out (she's actually going out with boy B). Girl gets CAUGHT by A while on a date with B. I mean HOW small of a world is that?! 

While the night I got "busted" was not my finest hour, it was the best thing that could have happened. While standing at a bar, on a date, I realized I was out with the wrong man. I ended that date immediately after seeing my other suitor and never looked back. The very next morning, we went out on a walk, shared a pizza, bought a couch (for him - come on, way too soon to buy furniture together!) and so began our story.

Over time, I'll share stories from the relationship that I thought would be my last, but the point I'm trying to make here is that breakups happen. And while we never have a crystal ball to tell us what will happen in the future, we need to view them as lessons. And the blessing in these lessons, is that we are forced to look in the mirror. The good, the bad and the ugly, that all resides within ourselves. While I didn't take the time to put in the "work" immediately after that relationship ended, I'm doing it now. And any time invested in ourselves is time well spent. Because even though we can't go back and change the past, we can put forth all our energy into creating a wonderful future!

XO,
Jenn