I Am Who I Am, Because You Were You

It's often you hear people say, "I'm working on who I am," but how often do you hear someone say "I'm working to understand WHY I am the way I am?"

With 32 years of life under my belt, I finally feel as though I have a good grasp on WHO I am. I'm a daughter to two wonderful human beings. I'm a giving and attentive girlfriend to a wonderful man. I'm a friend to some really freakin amazing women. I'm a mommy to the cutest fur baby in the entire world (though I may be biased!). I love the feeling of a workout that makes me want to pass out (maybe I'm a bit of a masochist as well?!). I'm career-minded and driven as hell. I've built walls thanks to some painful past experiences. Despite those times, I have a resilient and loving heart. I can be fiercely independent (sometimes out of necessity rather than choice) and I strive for greatness in all aspects of life. 

But the real question is - WHY am I the way I am?

I've given a lot of consideration to this lately. And I think I may know the answer. A little background...

Growing up, I was extremely close to my maternal Grandmother. Lillian - a spitfire redhead (whom my Grandfather so kindly nicknamed "Red" even though she hated it...), raised on the Lower East Side of Manhattan was quite possibly one of the most remarkable women I've ever know (tied with my own Mom, naturally). I truly could go on and on about all the reasons we all loved her so - but for the sake of brevity, I'll say that I believe a majority of why I am the way I am, is because of her. 

As I was approaching college graduation, my Grandma (Grammy as I loved to call her) asked me what I wanted. Most of my friends were asking for money, new cars, wardrobes for their new careers, a place to live if said career didn't pan out... but not me. 

I asked for letters.

"Write me letters, Grammy."

"About what, Madela?"

"Everything. Write to me about growing up. Write to me about your love story with Poppy. Write to me about how you felt when Mommy was born. When I was born. Write to me about how it felt to lose Poppy after more than 50 years. Just write to me."

And write, she did. 

It was just this week that I decided to take down my memory box I store all things of sentimental value - and pulled out the one and only letter my Grammy wrote to me. 

After reading it, I have no doubts about WHY I am the way I am. I am me, because she was she. 

"My little Jenny asked me to write. So here I shall. 

Born in the early 1900's on the Lower East Side in Manhattan, NY. My parents were immigrants, my mother came from Russia and my father came from Lithuania. I remember living in a tenement house where the toilet was in the hall. We had electricity but we also had a coal stove to cook on.

My father died when I was very young, 12 years of age and my mother though she had no skills did not go to work, as she was not a citizen of the USA and could not read, so she depended on her brothers to support her.

We moved to Brooklyn when I was 13 years old and decided then that I was going to excel in my schoolwork. My favorite subject was math and then I decided to become a bookkeeper. I married young, but because of Pearl Harbor my husband was drafted into The Army. I took a position working at the NY Port of Embarkation for the US Army. 

After the war and having 3 children to raise, I decided to make something of myself. When my youngest was 12 I went back to work and together with my husband we started saving money and built up our nest egg. I believed working was good for ones mind and self respect.

My motto is to be accomplished even in old age. Keep the mind going, don't become lackadaisical. Give a good appearance of one's self, be friendly and make a living based upon accomplishments. At present, though I am in my late 70s, I am still active as Editor and Vice President of my temple's newsletter. I am respected, acknowledged by the congregants and am happy that in my latter years, I keep myself active and enjoy my family and friends. I am a grandmother of 7 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren." 

 I hope reading this inspires you to find out why you are the way you are, and I hope your journey is also full of love and wonderful memories.

XO,
Jenn

How Do You Know Your Partner Is THE ONE?

I recently stumbled upon such a thought-provoking article from A Cup of Jo - if you're looking for a neat blog that covers topics ranging from food, fashion, relationships and more, you must check out Joanna!

The article, How Do You Know Your Partner Is the One, surveyed folks on the age old question - How did you know he/she was the ONE? Immediately after reading the article, I began reflecting upon my own relationship. Despite having met my boyfriend a few times over the past few years, the timing was never right. We had both been dating others and we lived on opposite ends of the country. However, when our mutual friends re-introduced us last year things were different. I was different. My wants and needs were different. I was finishing up a long fitness competition prep, I had recently bought a home and was in the midst of renovation, and more than anything - I finally felt like I had become the person that the person I was looking for was looking for. 

At the risk of sounding cliche, everything changed when I began dating Ken. He is quite literally one of the most wonderful human beings I have ever known. He's kind and patient when I need it most. He takes control and leads the way when I'm lost. He treats me like a partner and a priority, eliminating any doubt that could have easily crept in as we embarked upon a loooong distance relationship. With all that said, and with Jo's article in mind, there are still more than a handful of other reasons I know I've met the one.

His happiness is mine. Is he having a good day? Ohhhh, look! M&MS. He loves M&Ms. I should buy these for him. A new superhero movie is opening this weekend. I better buy us tickets before it's sold out! I can't wait to hear how he crushed a workout or how well he played golf. Seeing his smile in person, over FaceTime and hearing it on the phone all brighten my day and bring my heart happiness.  

Home is no longer a place. Home is with him. Sometimes we're spending weekends in Atlanta. Other times we're spending weeks or a month on end in California. We've done a weekend in Vegas and we're going to Hawaii next month for my birthday. The common denominator in all of those places is US. Our relationship has taught me that I don't really care where I live (so long as there's a Lulu and Whole Foods within driving distance - DUH!) so long as we are by each other's side. 

I'm softer and sweeter. Let's not forget - I'm a born and raised spitfire Jewish girl from NYC. Where I grew up, we took public transportation. We cursed. We spit our gum out in the middle of the street while walking to the neighborhood 7 Eleven to buy slurpees and play handball. And while you can take the girl out of New York, you can't always take New York out of the girl. I'm still short tempered (despite my best efforts) and a bit feisty. I don't do small talk and I rarely smile at strangers. Since Ken came into my life, I've become.... softer. I've become sweeter. I'm not even sure when it happened - maybe slowly, maybe all at once. But all I know is I wish people a nice day, I smile at strangers and I wave cars in while I'm stopped at street lights. I don't preemptively hang up on customer service representatives and I'm just a much more patient and understanding human being. 

I miss him from the other room. Literally. As soon as he leaves the room, I miss him. 

I see our future. No, not in the weird fortune teller way. But I see it. While I feel zero pressure to start a family right now, I can't help but completely swoon when I watch him - sometimes he's wiping off Lucy's paws from a walk... other times he's laying on the floor playing with his nephew or holding a friend's baby. Sometimes he's just shaving in the bathroom mirror - and I can't help but smile at the idea of him teaching our son how to shave (or letting or daughter slather his face with shaving cream!). When I look at him, I see a whole life ahead. 

I have zero doubts. Our distance has never made me doubt the fate of our relationship. I don't lay in bed wondering how I really, truly feel. I don't wonder if I could see myself as a member of his family or him in mine. I don't question whether he'll be the strong husband I want or a loving father to our children. I don't fear that one single disagreement or argument will end our relationship. My heart is still and my mind feels at peace. 

And this peaceful feeling is how I know. How I know I've met my person. 

XO,
Jenn

3 Things My Long Distance Relationship Has Taught Me

It all began back in October 2015 at a friend's wedding

"How's dating going?" My friend Ryan asked.

My response? "It sucks!"

After Ryan inquired further, I responded with "If you happen to know a normal guy who loves to work out, likes to travel, isn't an ass and wants to settle down with the right person one day, let me know."

Turns out that guy was in front of my face for years. He just lived on the other side of the country.

From the very next day, so began a relationship I never imagined with a man I never dreamt possible. I'll save you the mushy gushy rant about how amazing he is - but really though... #swoon

Only downside is we happen to live on opposite ends of the country. A 3 hour time difference and 5 hour flight are all that separate us. No big, right?! Well, sarcasm aside - this relationship may not be logistically convenient but I'd rather do temporary long-distance with him than a geographically convenient relationship with anyone else.

Here's what I've learned ever since embarking on my first long distance relationship:

1) Have honest dialogue. For someone who has worked in Journalism and corporate communications for her entire professional career, it took this relationship to make me realize what a crap job I did of communicating in relationships. We all carry wounds from our past which may cause us to throw up unnecessary walls and shut out communication once it gets "hard." I thank my lucky stars that I have finally met a man who has an unbelievable ability to communicate - and make me feel safe enough to do so myself. When you're dating someone whose night is always just beginning when you're headed to bed and who you only get to see once a month, it's easy to get hit with a serious case of FOMO (fear of missing out!). It's easy in this digital age to rely on text messages as a sufficient way of communicating, but it's simply not enough when you're trying to build a meaningful relationship. Call when you say you're going to. Use FaceTime to make you both feel like your daily lives are intertwined. With that said, I've learned that when you love someone - when you TRULY love someone - you do so in a way in which they feel free. If my boyfriend wants to lay around on a Sunday afternoon in silence or spend a Saturday golfing with his friends, I respect that. And he does the same for me. Talking through serious topics - including a vision of what your future looks like (i.e.: distance is temporary and you both will do what it takes to close the physical gap in order to begin living life together!) ensures you're both on the same page going in. There are plenty of nights when I lay in bed and remind myself that one day instead of saying goodbye, we'll simply be saying goodnight :)

2) Make time for the ordinary. After doing this long-distance thang since October, the thing I get most excited for when I know we'll see each other again is the mundane. I crave falling asleep next to him, waking up and seeing his sleepy face next to mine. I get butterflies thinking about ordering in dinner, opening a bottle of wine and binge-watching tv shows. Don't get me wrong - checking out great restaurants around our respective cities is a blast. As is spending time with our wonderful friends & family. So is taking day trips, planning vacations together and fantasizing about what the future holds. But when I close my eyes and think about what I cannot wait to do once we're together again, it's always about simply being next to one another. Nearly any couple could have fun if all they lived for were glamorous weekend getaways and a constant state of excitement. I'm not saying the honeymoon phase is anywhere near over, but standing in the bathroom putting on face masks together and making breakfast on sleepy Sunday mornings now makes my heart feel home.

3) Always know when you're going to see each other again. The only thing worse than leaving each other is not knowing when you'll see each other again. For this reason, I think it's critical to never leave without having your next trip planned. This may be challenging if one of you is not a planner by nature but knowing when you'll see each other again gives peace of mind and makes the time apart slightly more tolerable. Even the strongest people will have insecurities creep in after too much time apart. Whether it's a quick weekend together, a month of quality time or a vacation somewhere you've never been - having that date circled on your calendar and an "end date" to the distance is key.

At the end of the day, all I want is to find someone who is there for me when things are wonderful, terrible - and every day in between. Someone who makes my heart happy and makes me laugh harder than ever before. Someone who is proud to have me and challenges me to be a better woman. Someone to support me when I really need it and listens to all my zany ideas. Someone who is willing to put my needs before their own. And most importantly, someone I love enough to do the same in return. And if that means racking up some Delta SkyMiles in the process, so be it.

And above all else, don't forget to maintain a sense of humor and perspective. You have someone you love, who loves you! Life is good :)

What about you? Have you ever done long distance? I'd love to hear!

XO,
Jenn

The Time I Tried...Loving the SH*T Out of Being Single

Sooooo.... I've just gone on 14 dates in the past 14 days.

I'm not even quite sure how I survived this little experiment, but I did. I'm sure your first question is, where did these potential suitors come from? Men don't grow on trees! Well, considering my past experience with Tinder, I figured give it a shot. After a few days of "Hey there" and "You're pretty" I decided Tinder and I needed to break-up. Like, officially breakup. #icanteven 

Oddly enough, when it rains, it pours. After deleting that app for good, suddenly I had friends setting me up left and right, and met quite a few guys just out and about. I promised myself I'd be open to the possibilities, so I said yes. 14 times.

After dog park dates, coffee dates, cheat meal dinner dates, gym dates, "happy hour dates" (I use quotes as it was more of a "get water wasted" date for me), there was even a date I met while traveling who flew to Atlanta to take me to dinner. After my two week "say yes" experiment, I must say. I'm exhausted. 

And not just tired - but wondering WHY I'm acting like a dang Salmon and swimming upstream. I'm single. And what? Be single!

So in the spirit of me embracing every ounce of my singleness, here are a few simple ways all my fellow singletons can try (Hey - some of this even applies to my happily-married/dating friends. Self-love never hurt!)

1. Choose You: Even if it means saying no, cancelling plans (although don't cancel last minute - that's just rude!), or staying in on a Saturday night. Don't feel guilty. If it feeds your soul, do it. If it doesn't bring you happiness, abstain. One particular day last week, I rocked the crap out of a 5am workout, worked all day, taught a double header at barre and headed straight out for a date. Did I feel guilty for sipping my tea and calling it a night early? Not a bit. Oddly enough, we're going on a second date next week. I guess my sober grandma status is appealing to some! 
2. Stay True to You: We've all done it. Said what we thought someone wanted to hear. Held back on what we really wanted to tell someone. I no longer swallow words. I speak my truth - whether it's pretty, whether my voice shakes. And if it's not my truth, I don't speak it.
3. Dress for You: This is almost embarrassing to admit, but I remember when I was married my appearance was a direct reflection of my husband's taste. I always wanted him to find me attractive, so I would wear the clothes I knew he liked (skirts and dresses) and style my hair the way he wanted (blonde, long and slicked back). I think the first thing I did after the ink dried on our papers was dye my hair back to brown. I know everyone has done something of the sort. Worn something or done something to appeal to our partner. Embracing our singleness means we get to dress for us! Working from home and practically living in the gym leaves little time for non-Lulu inspired outfits. On the rare occasion I am dressed in "normal" clothes, I want to feel beautiful. I've begun purchasing fun, summer outfits like crop tops, new bikinis, and short shorts that make me feel sexy and pretty at the same time.
4. Toss the Rear-View Mirror: It's always painful when we realize we spent far too long romanticizing a relationship that wasn't what we thought it was. After tons of self-reflection, I had to realize that my relationship last year came to an end for a very similar reason my marriage did. Simply put, the relationship wasn't strong enough. If we were to poll friends and family who have been married for any long period of time, will they tell us it has always been perfect every moment of every day? Hell no. There are storms. There are times when you stare, dumbfounded, wondering how on earth you love this person yet want to strangle them all at the same time. Great relationships aren't great because they're perfect. They're great because they're comprised of two people who love each other enough to always work it out. Coming to peace with the end of the relationship I thought would be my last has made me realize that sometimes new beginnings are disguised as painful endings. Letting go was difficult, but it was necessary. I started getting so frustrated with myself for holding on to something I knew was over. Now, I take it as such a positive - I am poised to become a stronger partner for the man who will put in the work with me.
5. Enjoy Your Company: Friday night protein shakes and netflix in my underwear dates (with myself) are my new fave. Manis/pedis and afternoon shopping. Workouts and posing practice on Saturday afternoons. I'm spending more time than every before alone with myself. And pleasantly figuring out... I'm a pretty cool ass chick! Find those things you love to do alone - without outside company, without your phone glued to your hand. Get out in the fresh air, play with your pup, read a book. Discover all the reasons you're so bad ass. 
6. Understand Where Your Energy Goes. For example, clearly we know where my energy was the past two weeks. And you know what? It was too much. Not enough time spent nurturing friendships and keeping up with family. Not enough time sleeping. Not enough time with Lucy. I spread myself too thin and neglecting the things in my life that truly bring me happiness. Identify some energy sucking activities/people/hobbies that simply are not worth your energy. And remove them from your life. Or, at the least, recognize that something needs to change - and work towards rectifying it. There are only 24 hours in a day. Choose wisely. 
7. Love Yourself Even When You Fail: Because it's not a question of if you'll fail. You will. We all do. However small or large the failure is, continue loving yourself. And whatever you do, never ever put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket. 

XO,
Jenn

First-date Hot Spots that Aren't So HOT

When it comes to being single, I am so relieved to be a woman. 

Don't get me wrong, dating as a female has its own set of challenges. So many questions constantly swirling, the pressure of balancing your standards and not setting any expectations, and now not being able to go for drinks or eat on said dates throws yet another wrench in the mix. HOWEVER, I wouldn't trade it all to be the man - as it's usually the guy who is responsible for coming up with the first date activity. 

And according to a recent infographic published by mobile dating app Clover, top first-date hot spots in the US are a bit embarrassing. As a girl who has gone on her fair share of Starbucks first-dates (who wants to commit to dinner if we can't stand each other after the first 5 minutes?!), but correct me if I'm wrong - love at first 2 for $20 at Applebees doesn't spell romance to this girl. 

Here is the complete list as published by Clover:

The above list got me thinking... there must be handfuls of date ideas that are tons of fun and don't require going elbow deep on burrito bowls, baskets of wings and buckets of beer. 

I personally love the idea of being active on a date. It gets the blood flowing, let's you invade each others personal space (if sparks are flying) and let's you see the other person in action. Romantic dinners and endless lunches at Chiptole are definitely great once you're dating/in a relationship, but why not bring some level of creativity to the sacred first date?

This whole idea sparked my curiosity and I've put pen to paper: If I were a man, which types of dates would I plan?! (Disclaimer: some might work well for a first date, others might be date numero dos or tres)

What about.... 

Pack a picnic and hit a local park - how fun to kick off your shoes and share a blanket on a sunny day!

Ride a ferris wheel (if sparks are flying, I wouldn't hate a kiss at the top!)

Check out a music festival

Take a hike - get those endorphins pumping!

Drive-in movie

Catch a sunset after work 

Go for a bike ride

Play bocce ball

Mini golfing- why not break out your inner-childish self

Tubing - you get to see each other in a swimsuit! 

Rock climb - you get a view of my butt! #winning

See a baseball game 

Try archery - queue the cheesy "you hit the bulls eye" jokes

Go to the zoo 

Watch a sunrise - make to-go cups of coffee and head out somewhere peaceful and quiet

Kayaking 

What about you? Any creative first date ideas that have burned a hole (good or bad!) in your memory?

XO,

Jenn

6th Week NPC Prep + A Letter to Myself

Workouts
Booty, booty rockin everywhereeeeee!! I must say, 6 weeks in I am getting SO excited. It's hard when you look at your body every day - sometimes you don't see the evolution as clearly as others. But over the past week or so, I've really been motivated with the changes I am seeing in my body. Still crushing my workouts (never missing one and bringing the intensity!) I really can see results - especially in my glutes, hammies and abs. I have NEVER been able to get definition in my abs. Whether I was running 6 days a week, in the throws of my eating disorder, or trying to do things the healthy way, my mid-section has always been my "trouble zone." Even Coach Steve told me - sit tight, your trouble zones will come in last. I am happy to report my abs are flatter and tighter - and definition is coming thru! Couldn't be more excited. And speaking of being excited, holy tush!!! Comparing my pictures week over week, my backside is getting higher and tighter. I went out Saturday night with girlfriends and couldn't wait to throw on my short shorts. Well hello, hammies! It's really amazing what heavy deadlifts, squats, lunges, kickbacks and extensions will do. I am in awe - and loving how the hard work is finally paying off! My triceps are still weak (skull crushers are impossibly hard - why?!) and upper body is continuing to be my least favorite to train, but I'm hitting shoulders and bis per Steve's orders and slowly but surely, they're coming along. Pics to come soon :)



Nutrition
For those of you who have asked, here is what my current supplementation plan looks like:

Cellucor Cor-Performance Whey and Dymatize ISO-100 (I alternate between brands to keep my taste buds guessing!)
Optimum Nutrition Glutamine - 1 scoop immediately following a lifting session 
Optimum Nutrition Pro BCAA - 1 scoop during my workouts (I drink them during barre class and while I lift)
Optimum Nutrition ZMA - 2 capsules at bedtime

ZMA - a supplement comprised of Zinc, Magnesium and B6 assists athletes with enhancing muscle recovery, boosting muscle size and strength and potentially aiding in fat loss and has been my saving grace lately. You can read more about the supplement and its benefits here. The first week of prep I was sleeping like a boss, but that was short lived. After week 2, I began waking up around 3-4 am every night, unable to fall back asleep! Now I take 2 ZMA pills before bedtime and sleep like a baby, waking up feeling well rested with tons of energy. With training 90 minutes a day and teaching my barre classes, not sleeping is NOT an option. I was nervous if I didn't find a "natural" remedy, I would have to go to see my physician, but thankfully they do the trick! 

Favorite Meals: 

Yummy pancake con cafe!

Breakfast: 1/3 cup oats mixed with 2/3 cup egg whites cooked up like a pancake. Mix a little whey and water for a chocolate "drizzle" and top with 1/2 cup fruit (mashed banana or cherries are my fave lately!). 
Mid-morning snack: 3 oz plain non-fat Greek yogurt topped with 1/2 cup fresh pitted cherries (I look like I've committed mass murder when I'm done, but oh so worth it!) and 1 oz raw almonds. Yummy in my tummy.
Lunch: Eh, anything goes. I usually keep it simple. 3 oz ground turkey, 4 oz sweet potato "fries" and 3/4 cup whichever veggie I have readily available. Some days I cook up sugar snap peas (my favorite) and on particularly lazy days, I cut a cucumber in half and just munch on that (a sight to be seen, really!). 

Fajitas!

Mid-afternoon snack: 3 oz chicken with 2 oz avocado and 3/4 cup whatever veggie I'm craving (sometimes I skip the veggie entirely - a girl can only eat so much!)

Dinner: Chicken, grilled onions and peppers rolled in butter lettuce (Hello, fajitas!) alongside sweet potato "fries".
Pre-Bed Meal: Hands down my favorite of the day. 1 scoop Whey protein combined with water, ice and 1/2 frozen banana. I lay on the couch with the shake and my kindle, and Lucy curled up by my side. Life is good! 


Cravings: In anticipation for an upcoming cheat meal, I am craving fro-yo and Twizzlers! And sushi :)



Mental State
I'm happy to report, things are great! There are days when my body feels tired, or I don't feel so strong in the gym, but the moments are short-lived and I'm able to keep pushing through. I think seeing the changes in my body is really what helps drive me. I also love spending my Saturday afternoons at posing practice - there is something really comforting about being up on stage with my fellow competitors, talking about our struggles, laughing as we pose near-naked on a stage in a busy gym... it's just nice chatting with other guys and girls living the same lifestyle as me. Dating during prep is so oddly challenging. It's really interesting just how much dating is centered around dinners and drinks. Honestly though, I am so focused on my career, training, teaching, keeping my diet tight and spending quality time with Lucy and friends, that dating isn't top of mind at this stage in the game. I've done a lot of thinking lately - about what I want and the type of person I want it with... and I've been trying to read a bit more, pray a bit more. Recently I came across this quote that sums up my mental state right now: "At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in what is happening." If you would've asked me a year ago where I'd be today, I would have said picking out monogrammed sheet sets. But here I am. And that's okay! I am completely content waiting for what I deserve, and refusing to settle for less. I've started to compare my love life to reading a new book. Sometimes you read the first few pages and think "Oh crap, this sucks!" and want to drop the book like a hot potato. But you have to read through it to understand the next few chapters and ultimately, the story in its entirety. I'm trying not to look back, nor am I trying to skip any pages. I'm taking it one page at a time, just believing and having faith that tomorrow could be even more beautiful than I ever imagined. 

A Letter to Myself
I recently came across a note I wrote to myself the night before I started competition prep. Thought it was too good not to share - and applies to us all as we embark on various journeys through life. I hope if you're going through any sort of challenge, this letter invigorates you and gives you the motivation you need to keep on truckin!

"It's going to be hard. Keep going, remembering why you started. It's hard to wake up uncomfortable every day stuck in a body you're not completely satisfied with. It's hard to prep your meals, say no to happy hour and pack your food. Choose your hard. Stay focused. Stay determined. You can do anything, sweet girl!

Remember the morning you found out Grandma suddenly passed away? What about the day you realized you wanted to end your marriage? The day you lost sweet Tiffany. You never knew how you'd dig yourself out of the grief. And yet here you are, standing tall. You made it through to the other side. You have your happy back! This experience is teaching you that you can do any damn thing you set your mind to. Be soft, yet strong. Let yourself be open to whatever and whomever life sends your way. Let your past make you better, never bitter."

XO,
Jenn

It Doesn’t Take a Whole Day to Recognize Sunshine

There are very few times in life when someone says something to me that stops me in my tracks. That silences my voice and makes me go "Hmmmm."

It was during a heart to heart with a best friend earlier this week when he said something so simple that it nearly brought me to tears.

To put it in context, I was sharing my thoughts on a repeat pattern in my dating life. Men I meet often seem to want exclusivity before truly getting to know me. Date #3 seems to be the magic number for “the talk" (and no - the goodies are not always given up so early!). While I’m usually not the one to bring it up, I have agreed, on a few occasions, to be exclusive so soon in to dating someone (I've actually also been proposed to on a first date, but that relationship broke a lot of rules from the beginning!). The problem? Well for starters, how well do you really know someone after three dates? Neither person has proven themselves worthy of exclusivity yet. Call me old-fashioned, but I do believe there still needs to be a period of “woo-ing” – where flowers are bought, doors are opened, calls are made instead of texts being sent. The problem with jumping into exclusivity too quickly is we bypass courting and go directly into a relationship. It was when I asked Eric why he believes (from a guy’s perspective) I keep finding myself in these “exclusive talks” with guys locking it down. And that's when Eric said it. 

“Jenn. I've dated a lot in my day. I've met all kinds of women. Trust me, men are simple. It doesn’t take us a whole day to recognize sunshine.”

Heart. Melted.

While I think Eric may be biased, I do agree that faults considered, by the whole, I am a breath of fresh air to date. I’m open and try to be a good communicator. I’m secure in myself and know my worth – therefore rarely do I ever get jealous for no reason, or act possessive or controlling. I love to laugh and have fun – and try not to take things too seriously. So while there are times when I reflect on past relationships and wonder why they didn’t work out, I think it’s actually time to thank those relationships for the lessons they bestowed upon me. 

Thank you for reiterating that our gut instincts never lie.

Thank you for showing me that wanting you and needing you are two different things entirely. 
Thank you for showing me that no one deserves to be treated as an option, while the other is treated as a priority. 

Thanks for taking care of me when I physically couldn't take care of myself.

Thank you for reminding me that I deserve to be included in your life.

Thank you for showing me new parts of the world.

Thank you for showing me places I’ve already been, but through an entirely different lens.

Thanks for sharing your small hometown with this big city girl.

Thank you for opening up your loving family to me.

Thank you for making me feel safe to talk and be vulnerable.

Thank you for showing me where you fell short. And where I did.

Thank you for showing me what I need. What I want. And what I can and can no longer accept.  

And thank you. Thank you for making me courageous and brave. And a believer in loving one more time. 

Three Things to Stop Romanticizing

1)  The Past 

You want a surefire way to be the thief of your own joy? Live your life consumed by your past. How much fun you had in college, how little pressure you felt before becoming financially responsible, how amazing that ex was (news flash – they really weren’t!). The past is the past. The door is closed. While memories carry over the years and last us a lifetime – that is precisely what they are. Memories. Isolated events that have shaped us to become who we are today. Rather than running back to toxic friendships/relationships just because they're familiar, embrace the unknown of the future and let yourself live in the present moment. The uncertainty can be terrifying, but so is continuously giving time to things that no longer exist.

2)      The “Perfect” Relationship

As amazing as I’d like to think I am, I’m not perfect (although my sarcasm is on point!). So why should I expect to find someone without faults of their own? Call me cheesy (or a realist, perhaps), but I believe there is no perfect person, but a person perfect for each of us. I have some quirks – I lick my q-tips before I put them in my ears, I snore and occasionally drool. I don't dry off after showers and leave sopping pools of water around the house. Sometimes I feel the burning desire to plan life days/weeks/months in advance. I’m sure these traits could drive some men nuts. But the right man? He’ll let me drool on his shoulder, jokingly make fun of me as I pull out my planner, and find all of my other idiosyncrasies downright adorable. This goes for all of us. Stop thinking you need to be perfect, and they need to be perfect. There’s a reason Seinfeld was single. He had completely unrealistic expectations of a partner and a relationship. The lesson? Be picky, but not unreasonable. Life isn’t all unicorns shitting rainbows, and life can become mundane. If you’re looking for a woman to be your arm candy, or a man who wines and dines you – you’re in for a rude awakening once the “honeymoon” phase is over and “real life” sinks in. An evening-long House of Cards marathon should sound as appealing (if not more!) than getting dolled up for a fancy evening out. Find someone who brings a smile to your face and contentment to your heart. Find someone who you miss when they’re not around. Find someone you want to lay next to, talking about everything and nothing all at once.

         3) Your Bank Account Balance

      Have you heard of the “lottery curse?” Time Magazine wrote an article a few years ago chronicling tragic stories of past winners – and how playing (and winning) turned out to be the worst decision of their lives. My point? Money isn’t everything. We’ve all known someone, dated someone, or loved someone who poured all they had in to work. They were their jobs. And other than the money in the bank, what did they have to show for it? This brings back memories to an event that occurred two years ago – I woke up in the middle of the night with the most extreme chest pain I’ve ever experienced. Given the fact that both of my parents have suffered life-threatening heart conditions, I immediately panicked. I felt my chest constrict and my breathing was so shallow, it felt like I was taking in shards of glass with each inhale. I drove myself to the ER at 4 am and was rushed back for immediate, invasive tests to rule out emergent conditions such as a heart attack. The good news? I didn't have a heart attack. The bad news? My blood pressure was dangerously low at 70/40 and I couldn’t take a breath without screaming out in pain. I was diagnosed with double pleurisy in both lungs and immediately admitted to the hospital. Alone. Once the team of physicians stabilized me, I didn’t call my parents or friends. I took my iPhone out of my purse and emailed my boss. That’s right. I emailed my boss and co-workers to inform them I wouldn't be making our 9am meeting. I drafted a lengthy email, updating the team on my projects and requesting meeting minutes so I could stay abreast to project timelines. How sad is that. G-d forbid something really awful had happened to me that day, who would have been more devastated? My co-workers or my parents? I had a light bulb moment that day, laying in my sad gown in a cold hospital room alone. Success is great. Striving for a powerful career is wonderful. But let’s not all lose sight that when we come to the end of our lives, it won’t be our co-workers surrounding us. It’ll be our friends and family. So be fiscally responsible, but don’t ever let those you love (and love you) become anything less than your top priority. You can’t take the money with you – but love will last forever.

XO,

Jenn

Why Marriage Before Age 30 Should be Illegal

You feel me?!

At this point, readers should be aware there’s no sugar-coating going on here. I write exactly what I feel, and sometimes it’s raw and uncensored. So if you strongly disagree with where this post is headed, that’s your opinion and this is mine. Variety is the spice of life.

Back to the subject at hand.

Sometimes, if we’re keepin it real over here, I wish when I told my parents at the ripe old age of 22 that I was getting married, they were legally able to send me to jail for a year. If I spent 365 days in an orange jumpsuit eating stale bread and sleeping on a mattress as thick as a piece of matzoh STILL wanting to be married, I could do so. In 7 years. When I turned 30.

Hindsight is 20/20, and it’s always easier to see the forest through the trees when you’re removed from the situation, but I have NO idea what on earth possessed my ex and I to make a lifelong commitment to each other without having our own individual identities first.

The young woman I was at 22 was naïve. I was eager to compromise, forsaking my own beliefs, my own convictions, just to be the image of what I believed the perfect wife to be. I put plenty of things on a shelf – including friendships, family, career, hobbies I wanted to pursue – all to support my ex as he completed law school, studied for three state bar exams, and dealt with the traumatic loss of his mother.

Now don’t mistake the message here. I’m no martyr. My ex was a fundamentally good person, and we divorced on as good of terms as two people could who were taking legal action to detach themselves from one another.

The nights watching TV with headphones on so he could study, our annual Vegas trip tradition (sweet baby Jesus, I hate Vegas), the Chihuahua I didn't want, the house he bought during a lunch hour without letting me see it… I was a willing participant in all of it. I always had the option to say no. To put my foot down. I chose not to. I thought if I appeased him, he’d be happy. Happy husband, happy life.

But what about happy wife? While I was so busy trying to make him happy, who was putting me first? No one, honestly. One major problem with getting married so young, is our communication skills are typically still operating at an elementary level. And when you don’t communicate, what happens? Building blocks of resentment pile up. One atop another. And next thing you know, you’ve built walls around yourself. You're unfullfilled and at a loss on how to “get your happy back.”

Our early 20s are also a time for exploration. Explore the world. Explore yourself. Explore others. Get out there and live life – figuring out what brings you joy and what brings you pain. If we prematurely attach ourselves to someone else, without having a clear understanding of who we are, how can we be the best version of ourselves for a partner?

There was a time when I hated the phrase “my other half” – shouldn't we be whole on our own? But what I’ve learned only after my marriage, divorce, and all the years thereafter… is that yes, we should first be whole. However, once we’re good and ready, it’s okay to want that better half. The yin to our yang. The peanut (or almond) butter to our jelly. The icing on our cupcake.

I think we’re all put on this earth to give and receive love. What a wonderful feeling it is to have someone on your mind before your mind shuts down to sleep, only to have them reappear again when you wake the following morning. Someone to lean on through life’s ebbs and flows. Someone to share the highs and lows of your day. A TV-watching, pizza-eating best friend who brings home your favorite flowers for no reason at all.

It’s not a sign of weakness to admit we want someone to complete us, once we're good and ready. Just be sure you know the reflection in the mirror, so as you lie next to that wonderful partner of yours, you both know exactly who they’re completing. 

Found on googledrive.com

XO,

Jenn

5 Things to Stop Worrying About.

Photo from healthyplace.com

In life, there is always an abundance of things we cannot control. Yet for reasons I cannot determine, we spend an exurbanite amount of time worrying about them. The thing is, it all begins and ends in our minds. Whatever we give power to, has power over us. Only if we allow it.

Below are a few areas I’ve identified through my own life experiences that simply do not warrant worrying over:

1. What other people think about you. You could be the juiciest peach in the world, and there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches. Each person you encounter will have different values, different standards of what they deem acceptable and appropriate. That’s what makes the world go round. Relinquish worrying about what others think of your choices, your lifestyle, and what stimulates your heart and mind. Live a life you’re proud of – be good, do good, and make no excuses.

2. The number of candles on your birthday cake. In a time when everyone is buying the latest wrinkle-reducing cream, rushing out for more botox, and jumping on the latest juice fast trend, it’s important we strike a balance between taking pride in our appearance and embracing the aging process. After all, getting older is better than the alternative! As a woman who is a month away from turning 31, I can’t get on Huffington Post or some beauty and lifestyle blog without reading articles about women having damn near panic attacks about turning 30. It doesn’t have to be that way! Eat clean, work out often, and take care of yourself. It IS possible to age gracefully. Rather than obsess over the number, re-shift your focus to all of the invaluable wisdom only the blessing of time can provide.

3. What other folks are doing. True friends are happy when their friends happy. Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle, or find yourself sitting on the sidelines of your own life just to be a spectator in others. Social media can be fun, but don’t spend so much of your time trolling LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest that your own life passes you by. Our time here is short and precious, so maximize it rather than wasting it away.

4. If things aren’t going “according to plan.” As a Type-A, goal-oriented individual, this is a challenging one for me. Setting goals and accomplishing them is such a gratifying feeling – I love figuring out what I want out of life and going for it. Yet, sometimes I need to acknowledge that things are simply out of my control. I find it so frustrating to want something so badly but feel incapable of accomplishing it. But I’ve realized that while it’s fantastic to have goals that navigate us through life, it’s counterproductive to cling so tightly to them that we completely miss the here and now. Keep writing those goals down, just be sure to adjust accordingly. Because one of the only constants in life is change. And chances are, what lies ahead of us is even sweeter, even more gratifying, than what we ever imagined for ourselves.

5. Your relationship status. Aye yay yay. Relationship woes! This one is a doozy. Will they call? Are they interested? Do I miss them when they’re not around? Where is this going? Are we exclusive? Is it too soon to ask? I could keep that list going, but for the sake of time I’ll spare you. Here’s the deal. They’ll call if they want to call. They’ll see you if they want to see you. If they’re into you, you’ll know it. And vice versa! Good things take time, and evolve in a natural way. Great things happen unexpectedly. I love the quote by Gloria Steinem that says “Far too many people are looking for the right person, instead of trying to be the right person.” AMEN! Admittedly the first year after my divorce I found myself completely panicked – completely terrified of being single again. Shit, the last time I was single we didn’t have texting, let alone sexting. Social media was far less prevalent and the notion of instant gratification didn’t exist like it does today. But over the past few years, as I’ve really spent time figuring out the woman I am and the life I want, I’ve realized I’m not scared anymore. Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are far too many mediocre things in life, and love sure as shit shouldn’t be one of them. So quit worrying about your relationship status once and for all. If it’s true that like attracts like, concentrate on being the person you’d want to fall in love with. Embody the traits you admire – for me, its being honest, loyal, loving, affectionate, genuine, kind, and respectful. I work on myself every.single.day. And I, with my whole heart, believe this will make me the best version of myself for the person who deserves it the most.

What about you? What do you worry about?

XO,

Jenn

Falling in Love, Falling in Passion, and Knowing the Difference.

Love is compromise. Love is gentle understanding. Love is lots of 7s, 8s and 9s.

Passion is hot and steamy. Passion is impromptu trips around the world. Passion is 10s and 1s.

Love is patience and kindness. Love is comfortable silence.

Passion is mind blowing sex. Passion is fancy dinners at the hottest restaurants, followed by drunken arguments at the wee hours of the morning.

I recently read an article that discussed Jennifer Lopez’s new book True Love, and her many high-profile relationships. She expanded upon how she mistook passion for love in the most simplistic, yet real way:

“But passion is a pendulum that swings both ways. As beautiful as it can be it can also get very intense. Yet, through thick and thin, I chose to stay in those relationships. Because how can you turn your back on a love so big, so amazing, so real? The problem is, it wasn't real love; it was passion. I just didn't know the difference yet.”

In recent years, I have most certainly found myself in relationships where I’ve confused passion for love. It has taken a certain level of maturity and self-discovery for me to realize what actually matters to me. Are the grand gestures, fancy vacations and presents wonderful? Sure, they bring a sense of instant gratification. “Wow! Look how much he loves me! Look what he bought me. Look where he’s taking me.” Yet those very types of relationships also left me feeling, at times, “I can’t believe he called me those names. I can’t believe he lost his temper like that. Did he really mean what he said during that fight?”

It’s only now that I’m able to see things from a clear perspective. And you know what? I’ll take the respect. I’ll take the kindness, the compassion and gentleness. Give me your loyalty. Give me your most genuine and vulnerable heart. You can keep the rest.   

What about you out there? Have you ever found yourself in a relationship full of passion and lacking in love? Perhaps the opposite? Let me hear from you!

XO,
Jenn

5 Things I've Learned from Past Relationships

1. Communication is the cornerstone to a successful relationship. This may sound glaringly obvious, but surprisingly, it's harder for some of us than others. I've realized I can be quite an emotional person, and when the possibility of getting hurt/letting myself be vulnerable/being rejected exists, I clam up. I'm talking about the ridiculous "I'm fine" and "Nothing is wrong" crap that some of us pull. Not only is it a sign of immaturity, but it sets relationships up for failure. True love conquers all (yes, I'm THAT much of a romantic - I really believe it!!) and if someone loves you, let yourself feel safe enough to open up. Show your fears, show your scars. When someone loves you enough, they'll listen to what you have to say - without judgement, without running for the exits. They'll love you FOR those things, not despite them.
2. Give all you have, without thinking of receiving. One of my favorite quotes comes from the 14^th century poet Hafiz: "Even after all this time, the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love life that, it lights the whole sky." I love this quote for so many reasons. I love how beautiful the thought is that when we give with all we have - expecting nothing in return, amazing things can happen. Love with your whole heart. The right person should bring that out in you. When you're in love, don't half ass it. Use your whole ass!
3. Hold yourself accountable. I'm not perfect. I can be a pain in the ass. I can give the person I love the silent treatment when I'm upset or hurt. It has taken me nearly 30 years to not simply realize I'm not perfect, but to actually hold myself accountable. Giving your partner the silent treatment/saying "I'm fine" when I'm really not is not ok. It's not acceptable to act out of character simply out of fear of rejection or fear of conflict. In reflecting on the demise of some special relationships, and the role I played (takes two to tango, people!), I've realized I must hold myself accountable. How can we possibly expect our partners to be exceptional communicators and treat us with nothing but love and respect if we don't hold ourselves to the same standards? Well that's simply not acceptable for me any longer. I am now accountable for every action, every word.
4. Listen to your gut. We know. It's as simple as that. Your voice is there for a reason. Always listen to it.
5. Never leave words left unsaid. One of the hardest things I've ever done was let myself become completely vulnerable after a significant breakup. I called my ex - after a few too many sleepless nights - and did something I've never done before. The old me would have let pride and fear get in the way, but something that morning told me to listen to my heart. I let myself be vulnerable. It nearly felt as though my heart would explode if I didn't say what I needed to. I emptied my heart, expressing every emotion and feeling, without worrying about how it would be received or what his reaction would be. Sure, I was vulnerable. Sure, it hurt beyond words when he said that he loved me, but the timing wasn't right. But you know what? I regret not a single word. I stayed true to me - and was my most authentic and genuine self. Since then I've seen the quote "Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost." I am so grateful I followed my heart and was honest with my feelings. I told the person I loved just what they meant to me. And that is quite simply a feeling of contentment I've never experienced before. 

What about you? What lessons have you learned from past relationships?

XO,

Jenn